Adventures in Drinking

EPIC FAIL: Bachelorette Party

2008-03-14T23:44:00.000-07:00

So this was an unusual first sighting...how do you Epic Fail a Bachelorette party?

A. Your Bachelorette party is one girl and seven dudes...and another "girl" that was so homely we classified her as a dude. And one of those dudes is wearing a T-shirt that says "Half man [up arrow], half horse [down arrow].

Tattoo, yes. Blood? NO!!!

2007-08-12T21:32:00.000-07:00

This incident was a bit of a first for me...I'm going to have to definitely put it into the category "How To Really Freak Out Women" or "How to make sure the barmaid doesn't come back".

So Friday evening I'm heading home, and decide to stop by a nearby bar that can best be described as a cross between an Irish pub and a Hooters. Lots of cleavage and kilts. I wanted a couple of nice quiet beers, a bit of scenery and football, and an hour or so of peace.

Sitting next to me is a guy whom I take to be a regular, and a new guy who's covered in tattoos. Not just a sleeve, but a sweater. There is some talk and showing, and the barmaid writes her name on his arm as a "new tattoo". Fun, flirty, harmless, cute. The Regular decideds to one up him, pulls out his knife, and proceeds to cut her name into his arm. Right there at the bar.

She completely freaked when she saw her name dripping in blood.

Why didn't I think of this?

2007-03-27T17:50:00.000-07:00

The Beer Belly

Yeah, that's me.

2007-03-04T02:25:00.000-08:00

The magician
You scored 84 change, 74 wellbeing, 89 wisdom, and 71 truth

The magician represents the conscious mind. With focus on an idea or goal, the conscious mind sets into action these ideas and brings them forth to the material world. The magicians hands are stretched forth, one to the sky holding a wand, and the other pointing to the ground below. This is suggestive that as is "as above, so below". The table in front of him has all the tools to make this possible. The wand, cup, sword, and pentacle, which are representative of all the suits to the tarot cards. The mage has an undergarment of pure white, showing his pure wisdom and is held shut by the serpent around his waist. The outer garment is red, symbolic of desire and passion, which has no belt holding it shut so it can be removed if necessary. The flowers in the garden represent things as well. The red roses are symbolic of desires, and the white lilies represent pure thought, untainted by desire. This card is under the vibration of the number 1.

some extra words:

taking action
doing what needs to be done
realizing your potential
making what's possible real
practicing what you preach
carrying out plans
producing magical results
using your talents

acting consciously
knowing what you are doing and why
acknowledging your motivations
understanding your intentions
examining the known situation
concentrating

having singleness of purpose
being totally committed
applying the force of your will
feeling centered
setting aside distractions
focusing on a goal

experiencing power
making a strong impact
having vitality
creating miracles
becoming energized
feeling vigorous
being creative

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 95% on change

You scored higher than 79% on wellbeing

You scored higher than 97% on wisdom

You scored higher than 80% on truth

Link: The What tarot card resembles you Test written by KamikazeParrot on OkCupid, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Maybe this is me...

2007-02-04T01:38:00.000-08:00

So I had an idea for a post way, way back when I was starting this what-passes-for-a-blog, about me reviewing all the interenet personals sites I was on. Unfortunately, since then they've all gotten to the point where they pretty much suck. Except my new one is OKCupid, and I haven't had time enough to play with it and develop an opinion. Except that it is supposed, totally FREE. We may have that post yet.

Anyway, I got this as I was updating my profile there tonight...here's the funny thing, though: I really dig the slow dancer chick. Maybe opposites do attract?

The Hornivore
Random Brutal Sex Master (RBSMm)

Don't ever marry, you're The Hornivore. Roaming, sexual, subhuman.

The Hornivores (you) are some of the most screwed up and naughty beings in the Universe. And their numbers are growing, mostly due to skipped or misused contraception. You care not. There's one thing you want, one sole need.

Half manly, half bestial, you act on instinct, and animal charisma smoothes the way. It's unlikely

Your exact opposite:
The Slow Dancer

Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer

you're driven by much other than your own selfish, orgasmic requirements. Your appearance and personality have evolved for the hunt. Ass beckons, you oblige.

For the record, you can happily bang all personality types, however your match percentages might be low with the kinder, more sensible people of the world, purely because they all wish to avoid you. Good luck to them.

"One day, the villagers came with torches to the house. In the smoldering ashes, stray dogs looked for cooked flesh."

AVOID: The Priss, The Sonnet
CONSIDER: Half-Cocked, Genghis Khunt

Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.
My profile name: mglenn13

Rev. Lick Talks Back To Girl's Clueless Personal

2007-01-30T17:23:00.000-08:00

The one thing B***** wishes MORE people would notice about her is:

I wish people would notice that I am attractive, I may not be a
supermodel, but that doesn't mean I'm not a great person or attractive.

Honey, here's a news flash...if people generally don't notice that you're attractive, it's because you're not attractive. And we're not talking about you "not being a supermodel", either. That's like saying my yurt "may not be the Empire State Building."

Fortunately, you've at least got boobs and tequila going for you.

Dead Bird Theories

2007-01-09T21:40:00.000-08:00

So if you're out of Austin and don't read Drudge, they shut downtown down yesterday morning due to finding dozens of dead birds all over the place.

My theories:

1) They watched Tony Romo lose it for the 'Boys Sat night.
2) They saw Leslie changing his thong in the wee hours of dawn.
3) Caught a whiff of the Maggie Mae's men's room.
4) Went nibbling in a rooftop grow house, got way too high, flew into building windows at high speed.

Seriously, it was probably just someone putting out bird poison...without, you know, actually calling animal control to warn them or anything. Odds are they went downtown Sat night, and got lured into one of the free parking "sucker spaces" on the street.

[Sucker space, n. : You've spent 20 mins driving around looking for a free spot, and in your hurry to get to the bars, you see one and pull in, not realizing that you're parking under a tree. At some point Sunday morning, you come back to get your car, only to find it literally covered in bird feces. As in you need an ice scraper just so you can see out the windshield. ]

Vengeance, aided by a severe hangover, ensues.

Tonight's Bartending...$37 and nearly a room key

2006-12-10T00:38:00.000-08:00

Had second best night ever, with two memorable experiences. Oddly enough, it was a major tech company, and usually engineers rank in tippage just above a bat mitzvah. And that's only because 13-year olds can't drink.

Note to novices (and they guy missing half of his front teeth): If you're not sober enough to actually *order* a drink, you won't be served. I amused myself by telling the guy I was "out", and sending him over to another bar.

The highlight of the evening, however, was Room 415 Girl and her new companion Pink Fluffy Streetwalker. PFS is first to arrive; she's hanging at my bar for awhile because she's an attractive woman who came to this party "as a friend" and is being relentlessly hit on by men with seriously inadequate social skills. Thirty seconds later Room 415 Girl shows up, and asks if she can buy an entire bottle of wine from me. Short answer: it's an open bar, but no, you can't take the bottle. Which is when I get the whole fun story :).

So right after I tell her that no, I can't just give her a full bottle of wine, she starts explaining how she's staying the night at the hotel, with her boyfriend that she just broke up with, and she used to be a bartender so she knows "the rules". While she's doing this however, she's also telling me how she's going to give me all her cash as a tip to make this happen. Her cash, of course, is in her bra. I'm standing there grinning my ass off as she's reaching way into her dress to pull out everything she's got tucked in with her boobs. This is a bit of a concentrated effort, and is profoundly amusing. So while I pour her a couple of glasses of wine, she manages to put $37 and her room key on my bar. While she's doing this, there's a heavy exchange going on with PFS. They're discussing how they hate engineers, and then Room 415 makes a nearly disastrous fashion remark. She says the pink puffy sleeves thing is "streetwalker wear". PFS gets insulted, Room 415 profusely apologizes, and this goes on for about 10 minutes while she's got everything she has sitting on my bar, and I'm trying to serve 10 other people on the other side of the bar while watching what goes on here.

During this, the "boyfriend" comes out. Apparently he doesn't realize he's been dumped. I infer that having Room 415 Girl dump him after she's had a few may be a regular occurence. At some point, PFS comes to grip with her inner hooker proclivities. Or the lots of apologies and reference to Pootie Tang.

Finally, Room 415 girl remembers the booze. I pour the remaining wine into glasses she can take with her, as part of the deniablility game of which she knows. She's still got her $37 in cash and her room key sitting on my bar, where it's been since I served the last 10 people to come through. At this point, she gets her 4.1 glasses or cabernet, and while I twice offered her to take back her cash and key and call it a night, I ended up with a $37 tip. I did convince her to put her room key back with her boobs, as she'd need a way into her room.

I only wish the room key had been an invitation...somehow, I don't think the maybe-ex would have appreciated that a couple of hours later.

Surprise.

2006-10-08T14:49:00.000-07:00

Actual Internet Personals Question

2006-09-05T18:36:00.000-07:00

"Chi" sent this to me on Chemistry.com:

will i like bee with my daddy some time doing the week and the kinds of thing that i like doing is wech movie and prayer Music also i prefer going with one Partner that relly lover me.

My actual response: "Please tell me you didn't write this yourself."

I Was Karl Rove's Bartender

2006-08-20T20:36:00.000-07:00

Austin is weird, but this Saturday night I encountered the Loony Left in person. Karl Rove came to speak at a $1,000 a plate Republican fundraiser that was held at my hotel, and I was his bartender. Outside in the atrium, we had 3 before-dinner bars set up near the main ballroom, while I was covering the private Meet Karl event in a smaller room off to the side. I'm guessing you had to throw down something more than the grand entry fee to get to my event.

As I was setting up, I heard noises, but thought it was the video crew...then I looked outside and saw about six Code Pink types and another dozen or so hippies with signs chanting. As I went back to start serving, I saw a bunch of them rush inside. Turns out a group had actually rented rooms so that they couldn't be not allowed in.

The Statesman article quoted below is fairly accurate, so I'll fill in the behind-the-scenes eyewitness details you won't get from any reputable news source...insider info after all the pics:

First, after they entered the hotel, they actually didn't do a whole hell of a lot for at least an hour. My bar was only on for about an hour and a half. The protestors rushed the front door while I was setting up, and then just stood around in the lobby. These are pics I snapped with my cell phone:
>

It was more "Smelly people standing around the lobby with signs while Republicans drink" than a real protest at this point. I would've taken more pics, but the hotel security guys scolded me for doing so while in uniform.

Finally, something starts. A group on the 6th or 7th floor who rented a room dropped a huge banner:

Chants of "Treason", etc. start. Our security guys went up to make them remove it, and basically had to cut it down and run off with it as they tried to assault him. They were kicked out of the hotel shortly thereafter.

Cindy must have shown up about then, because they finally got started, right about the time the Republicans were sitting down for dinner:

Really, all that's holding them back is a velvet rope across the lobby, and a few security guards. So they try to cut around through the restaurant (a mostly open-to-the-lobby affair) and get into the reception area/ballroom that way. In the process, they trampled a little Mexican banquet server girl, and one of Cindy's friends fell:

Here's one of my fellow bartenders body checking Cindy Sheehan:

She was officially logged in our event journal later as "Crazy Lady".

So what do you get for a grand a plate? Grilled grouper with capers, a sweet-potato quiche, and creme brulee. Yes, of course I snagged one! It was good, but for a thou I'm expecting cow and lobster.

What do Republicans drink at an open bar? Not a whole helluva lot. For my room of about 75 to 100 people, I made a lot of gin-and-tonics and Dewars on the rocks. A whopping two beers, both domestic. They drank through almost all of my coke and OJ, though they did manage to kill most of the Chardonnay.

Tips? One guy tipped me a $20, and one guy (who was only drinking Coke) gave me a dollar and a "Come to Jesus" pamphlet. Overall, about average for an event like this. The hoi polloi in the main areas tipped OK, most of the other guys made decent tips for a hotel bar.

And Karl? Didn't order a damn thing.

Quote of the night:
After we get done 'tending, we all go to Fridays across the street to drink. Apparently most of the protestors went there to get dinner before the event. Right about the time their food came out, one of them comes in with "the call"--'Karl's here! Time to go!' At which point one of them looked at his untouched plate and said, "Dammit! I wanted to get dinner before I went to jail!" (He got neither.)

The Statesman article:
After protesters allied with anti-war demonstrator Cindy Sheehan rushed the ballroom doors and scuffled with police, senior White House adviser Karl Rove roused Republicans Saturday in Austin by suggesting that a strong economy and President Bush's course abroad will lead GOP candidates to November wins.
Saying Democrats are pro-taxation, pro-spending and wrongly committed to cutting and unning from Iraq, the chief White House political adviser said: "We are right, and they are wrong."
One protester managed to slip inside the event, which attracted more than 300 guests and raised an estimated $250,000 for the Associated Republicans of Texas.
Shouting objections, including "men and women are dying," the woman was escorted from the ballroom of the Renaissance Austin Hotel. Laughter came after Rove said: "I don't question the patriotism of our critics. Many are hard-working public servants who are doing the best they can. Some of them are people looking for a free meal." [which I got, thankyouverymuch! - Ed.]
Rove also posed an unanswered query to Pat Robbins, the GOP group's executive director: "Pat, did you get her check before she left?"
Protesters began gathering outside the hotel well before Rove slipped in through a side door for a pre-dinner private reception. [this was my bar- Ed.] Waving handwritten signs, about 50 hanted, "Get out of town, Karl. Get out, get out."
Several dozen protesters entered the hotel and briefly unfurled a pink banner from a balcony that read "Rove v. Truth No Contest. Pink Slip Rove."
After GOP supporters entered the ballroom to dine and hear Rove, protesters surged to within several feet of the room's doors, which hotel employees held shut. One protester momentarily entered the ballroom and yelled, "Karl Rove is a war criminal!" She was hauled out. Outside the room, police demanded that protesters leave the hotel. Scuffling between protesters and Austin police led Sheehan's sister, DeDe Miller, to fall backward to the carpeted floor. One protester was arrested, Austin police said.
Cindy Sheehan also read aloud "war crimes" charges against Rove, including a charge that Rove was responsible for her son's 2004 death as an Army specialist in Iraq. After each charge, protesters yelled, "Citizens arrest."
Police detained Tiffany Burns of Los Angeles, who has been Sheehan's press representative. Burns said she was handcuffed after she asked officers to arrest Rove.
Inside the ballroom, Rove said Democratic leaders in Congress have not come to terms with the necessity of continuing the conflict in Iraq. "Democrats cannot support the goal of victory while opposing the means necessary to achieve it. And it is fiction and fantasy to pretend otherwise," he said. "If leading Democrats have their way, their policies would make our nation weaker and the enemies of our nation would be stronger. That is a stark fact of modern life, and it is the issue on which the forthcoming election should center," Rove said.
Among the protesters was Linda Foley of Azle near Fort Worth. "This is just one more thing we do when we're trying to change administration policy," she said. Foley, who wore peace-sign earrings and a Veterans for Peace shirt, said she and others had caravaned from Camp Casey near President Bush's ranch outside Crawford south of Waco. The camp is named after Sheehan's late son, Casey.
Several dozen protesters remained on the street outside the hotel.

Rev. Lick 37, Yellowjackets 0

2006-07-18T20:25:00.000-07:00

Ah, there's nothing like committing a massacre with chemical weapons, then settling in to Hamburger Helper.

Hey, "Nice Guys"--Allow me to translate

2006-07-16T17:11:00.000-07:00

You've probably seen this one floating around your MySpace bulletins or as regular spam. Wise and insightful commentary below:

To every guy that's said, "Sex can wait."
To every guy that's said, "You're beautiful."
To every guy that was never too busy to drive across town to see her.
To every guy that gives flowers and a card when she is sick.
To every guy who has given her flowers just because.
To every guy that said he would die for her.
To every guy that really would.
To every guy that did what she wanted to do.
To every guy that cried in front of her.
To every guy that she cried in front of.
To every guy that hugs her when she's sad.
[Etc, etc, for way too long. I can't bear to repost the whole damn
thing.]
To every guy that actually listened.
To every guy that gave his heart only to have it shoved back in his
face.

TO EVERY GUY THAT PRAYS THAT SHE IS HAPPY EVEN IF YOU ARE NOT WITH
HER.
This one is for you...Not all girls appreciate nice guys. There's not many
left out there....

FOR THE NICE GUYS: Dude, if one of your chick friends sent this to you, and it makes you feel all appreciated and stuff, take note of the fact that she's not with you, and is not naked with you. Get a clue, stop being an emotional tampon, and keep reading...

FOR THE GIRLS: "This one's for you.." THIS. ONE. WHAT??? It damn sure ain't a blow job, toots! Allow me to translate those last three 'to's': 1) I bitched about my ex while you bought me drinks, and yeah, I did know you've always had a serious thing for me. 2) I took everything I could from you, but only "loved" you while it was convenient, and 3) Yes, I know how much you're really into me, but I can't stop fucking the postman, and I expect you to deal with it, and 4) This nice little email is to convince you that maybe, just maybe, if you keep taking me to fancy restaurants and being my free therapist, one day we might hook up...even though I know for damn sure that'll never happen. But really, keep picking up the check. I deserve it because I'm a girl.

Really, ladies, spare us.

The Wisdom of the Late Sam Kinison

2006-07-16T16:16:00.000-07:00

I just love the term "Emotional Tampon"...

About your exes:

"She says, 'Can't we be still like see each other once in a while and have lunch or see a movie? Just to be friends?' I said 'Yeah, friends, I think I know what you mean. I've become some kind of emotional tampon that you need four or five days a month when no one else will take your f---ing bullshit. But we don't f--k, right? Isn't that what friends is, we don't f--k, right?'"

Why I don't believe in "rehab":

Detox? There's a bargain. $13,000 for a 3 and a half week treatment.And, folks, I don't want to sound like a casual user or anything, but if you can come up with $13,000 you don't have a problem yet!

Things You Shouldn't Say Upon Meeting Your Internet Date, 1

2006-07-09T19:48:00.000-07:00

"Your tits looked much bigger in your pics."

A sign!...

2006-05-26T17:47:00.000-07:00

...that it might be time to convert. Away from this.

-Lick, actually off for the next 3 days!!!

Shocking...(Electrical Penis)

2006-05-24T20:31:00.000-07:00

Meet one of the few (possibly) surviving members of the Darwin Awards winners!

Or at least, a serious runner up.

Click here...preferably not while you're at work.

And it's right again!

2006-05-21T01:38:00.000-07:00

Rev. Lick's sexual nickname:

"Throbbing Python of Love"

Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com

Yes, it still works...

2006-05-21T01:35:00.000-07:00

Just Lick will go to jail for ...

Making sweet love to a religious symbol

'What sexual activity will you go to jail for?' at QuizUniverse.com

Because "Rev. Lick" and "Pope Lick" and "Saint Lick" just weren't funny :)!

Yet another winner...

2006-05-21T01:33:00.000-07:00

Jolly Roger will go to jail for ...

Making lewd ginger bread men and giving them to carolers at Christmas

'What sexual activity will you go to jail for?' at QuizUniverse.com

Yeah, that sounds about right...

2006-05-18T23:14:00.000-07:00

Rev. Lick --

[noun]:

A perma-orgasm

'How will you be defined in the sexual dictionary?' at QuizUniverse.com

Excuses, excuses

2006-04-30T22:02:00.000-07:00

Where they hell have I been? A lot of 80 hour weeks.

Drinking activity? Let's just say the Alcohol Low light has been flashing "Dangerous" for quite some time.

Expected changes? Soon, hopefully.

That is all for now.

My stripper song...

2006-02-19T09:12:00.000-08:00

Your Stripper Song Is

I Touch Myself by The Divinyls

"I don't want anybody else
When I think about you
I touch myself"

A total exhibitionist, you probably already are a stripper!

What Song Should You Strip To?

Brokeback Star Wars

2006-02-19T08:27:00.000-08:00

We always did think C-3PO was a bit fruity...

Link

What I left unsaid

2006-02-19T08:24:00.000-08:00

Girl to Rev. Lick: "Well, it really sucks that we're calling things off just before Valentine's Day..."

To which I did NOT reply, but thought: "Well, it's not like you were getting anything anyway."

Almost like Numa Numa...

2006-02-18T01:17:00.000-08:00

Disturbing musical similarity to the O-Zone "Dragosta din tei" song, but with imams...

Muslim Rave Party Sensation.

Note: not nearly (in the same galaxy) as good as the Bush/Blair Gay Bar song.

You Might Be A Regular If...

2006-02-16T23:14:00.000-08:00

...you find yourself getting notarized affidavits together for you bartender, because you know him well enough to testify in court that he wasn't in a sham marriage just to get a green card.

...and you've met most of his family from Ireland...
...and his former wife was setting you up with her friends...
...and he's now dating your ex-girlfriend...
...and you're actually happy for them...!!!

Tonight's Wedding Toast, Summarized

2006-01-29T02:50:00.000-08:00

"Dad, thanks for ditching me and mom when I was seven, but it's nice you showed up two decades later...when there's free beer."

War of the Worlds - A 5 Word Review

2006-01-08T23:09:00.000-08:00

Sucky Dad Runs From Aliens.

Bartender's Notes: Girls To Avoid 1

2005-12-22T00:32:00.000-08:00

If she's at an open beer/wine bar-all the beer and wine you can drink, for free-and she instead is drinking martinis from the cash bar in the lobby, she is absolutely not worth the trouble. Even if you've got a lot of cash, you will one day walk in to find she's maxed out your credit cards and is fucking the pool boy.

-Note: Rev. Lick is indeed now a professional bartender, and has been for some time. Again. Only now it's legal and I get paid in cash :).

Question: I'm way too white for her

2005-12-11T00:08:00.000-08:00

OK, question here for my reader(s)...so I've got this friend, "M", who as it happens is *precisely* my "type". I've been playing it extremely cool, and we've had the "just friends" discussion, but apparently that doesn't hold much weight here...ie, there is potential. Somewhat.

The thing is, she really likes Black guys. African/Americans, etc. What do I do?

But then again...

2005-12-11T00:03:00.000-08:00

In reference to last post, within the first hour of meeting this girl, she did tell me all about her ex of 9 years and how he was cheating on her, and when she caught him in the act on their bed, how she broke the girl's nose twice and threw her down a flight of stairs.

Oh, and that's not counting the stories about copious hard drug use, and how he gave her VD.

So do I feel bad? Hell no. Where do I keep finding these nutcases?

Notes to Self...

2005-11-22T20:37:00.000-08:00

Even if your date makes it sound like she's got a tomboy flair and can really joke and understand the guys, if you reply to her locker-room story with one wherein the objet d'scorn is such because of a reason that your date is personally insecure about...well, it's not going to score you any points.

Notes to reader(s): Have turned anonymous comments off because of all the spam.

Death to Glitter!

2005-11-21T17:58:00.000-08:00

Gary Glitter is facing death by firing squad for having sex with underage girls in Vietnam, apparently where he moved to quite awhile ago. I guess it didn't work out for him nearly as well as Japan did for David Hasselhof. The money quotes:

The revelations come after two girls, aged 12 and 18 years old,
told the police they had sex with the former singer - real name Paul Francis
Gadd - at his rented home in the southern resort of Vung Tau in Vietnam. The
61-year-old former singer was arrested on Saturday at Tan Son Nhat International
Airport in Ho Chi Minh City as he tried to flee the country. Thanh
Nien (Youth) newspaper reported today that the two girls were invited to
Glitter's home, where he paid them for sex. The 12-year-old told police she had
sex three times with Glitter, who paid her £5.50 each time, the paper said.

In USD, that's less than ten bucks.

Invasion of the Drunk Clowns

2005-10-29T14:14:00.000-07:00

This was a couple of months ago, not even Halloween. So I was drinking downtown when I ran into a large group of drunk clowns. Really. About 50 people decided it would be great fun to rent a drunk bus, get trashed, and dress up as clowns. So they did.

That's why I love this town!

So When Do I Get My F*cking Holodeck?

2005-10-22T00:57:00.000-07:00

In the category of 'Life Imitates Art', we're moving ahead into the 24th century as the USAF has now invented transparent aluminum. Which I think is fucking awesome. I'm enough of a sci-fi geek to get the Star Trek references, but have never been a "Trekkie". (though I happily confess to a Star Wars fixation). Especially since that one time when I was a kid, and we went to a sci-fi con. I saw a "Next Generation" dude in uniform, about 35 yrs old...he was arguing vehemently with a kid who was all of 8 or 9 years, wearing the same uniform, because the kid was wearing 'Captain's insignia', and was 'obviously too young to have that much rank.' OK, old guy, you're living in your mom's basement and wearing your pajamas in public. And now you're arguing with a kid in grade school because he "outranks" you. It's way past time to re-evaluate your situation.

Back to whatever passes for a point around here: while I like watching some Star Trek when there's nothing else on, they're basically communist pussies. Here's my prime example: the holodeck. In the show, this get used for all kind of things like roleplaying mysteries, Klingon whatevers, etc. Get real. Or at least take a gander at "Tripping the Rift." On a real naval vessel, the holodeck would have one real use only: PORN!!! It would be tapped out 24/7 by the entire crew, as a way to have "virtual fun" (and by that I mean all the perverted fantasies you can think of) while on a 5 fucking year mission beyond the bounds of women and booze.

Now get back to work and get me a hyperdrive!!!!

NYC 2005 Trip Recap

2005-10-03T21:17:00.000-07:00

I'll save the excruciating daily details that I used in my first-ever post, and just hit the relevant-to-this-blog highlights:

Somehow on my first real drinking expedition with the boys, Buns' sister was asking me what our perfect date together would be like. I'm pretty sure that would involve something that Buns really, really doesn't want to read here.
At the fancy dinner thing, I somehow managed to get the phone number and email of a nice blonde lady, after only 2 minutes of talking to her, who was there with her fiancee and wearing at least a 3-carat diamond.
In between getting soaked trying to get to Manhattan to do some last-day birthday shopping for my sis, and getting stranded by flooded subway tunnels in the projects in Queens, I managed to meet this gorgeous redhead who was in the process of getting stood up. Turned into a very pleasant evening :).
But nothing beats my first 6 hours in NYC...I've got this old quasi-girlfriend/flame named Heather, who is a serious Class 5 and for some reason, has this thing for me. Unfortunately, not only does she have some luggage, but is the artsy/bohemian wandering-spirit type. Which is fun, but sometimes this leads her to do things like disappear to Mexico for many months, incommunicado. She's really a musician, but dances for the money (you knew that was coming...). So I called my only contact number for her a few days before I left, and didn't hear anything back. I get to NYC, and end up having to get a hotel room for the first night...as I'm taking an inaugural dump, I get a call and Heather's new NYC number. I call her from the toilet, and leave a message. My sis and I then head out on the town, bumming around Times Square looking for cheap show tickets. While I'm eating haggis at St. Andrews pub, Heather calls in. She's got a boyfriend, but is singing a few blocks away that night. So we went to meet her at the jazz club...my sis leaving a few minutes before Heather arrived. This is 10pm. The Bronx Italian Mafia boyfriend is coming to pick her up at 11. Five minutes before, we duck out and take side streets, now drinking and making out in the corner of a Russian Mafia vodka bar. The Bronx Italian Mafia then finally starts calling in. She turns off the cell phone. Yada yada yada, it was worth getting my own room, and we had lunch with my sis the next morning :). Even better...she's supposed to be back down here next weekend!

Epilogue: The Final Dayz Rules Finale

2005-10-02T09:57:00.000-07:00

UPDATE: OK, I originally wrote this a few months, ago, but just never got around to posting it...if indeed I do have any reader(s left) out there, who are/were interested, or even remember. Mostly I think I didn't get around to posting it because, after reading it over, the impression I got was "Wow, that's really pathetic." That it may be, but I wrote the damn thing, so here ya go.

I'm finally done with Corpus! The last dental appointment went off well, and didn't even turn into an overnighter. And I made it back to Austin in time for Last Call! I think I've heard the last of all the relevant parties, so here goes the final scorecard:

Ladies of the Evening:
Sarah The Stripper - disappeared around Thanksgiving, may be in Austin. I haven't really had/made the opportunity to check out her new suspected club. Soon, though.
Calli Cheetahgirl - Kept making lunch plans that never happened. Did stop by to see her on the dental trip, however. We'll at least keep in some sort of contact, maybe she'll stop by in Austin. Yeah, it's a longshot, but she's a real Class 5 and cell minutes are free on the weekends.
Xelena de la Palace - Unreturned calls. Strippers are either flakes, or just luring you in for more cash. No biggie.

Previous Dates:
Erin - called her around late Feb to try again at a second date, found out she'd moved to Houston with a new job about a month earlier. So much for that idea ;).
Hazel - Definitely one of the most interesting and craziest women I've ever gone out with a second time. I think I caught her in the midst of a mid-life crisis, but had to ditch her because she was endangering the house as I was trying to get it on the market. Amongst other reasons.
Crystal - Wow, I've got a whole post or three devoted to this one. Stay tuned for more.
Aliza - Old girlfriend that I thought I might be able to convert into a Phase 5 relationship, but she ended up dating some guy pretty seriously.
Cheryl - Oh, the bad luck! I hadn't heard from her in a few months when I ran into her at the Q-Pub. We unofficially 'broke up' shortly after having the 'this is a serious as we're ever going to get' conversation, and coincidentally both began dating other people. We had a few more drinks and ended up back at my place, recapping the last few months. Unfortunately, she'd had an...experience...with the other guy that made her give up casual sex. D'OH!

Longshots:
Nicole the Catfish Girl - Ah, well, I had a nice plate of fish at least. Too much baggage in her life to get coffee or anything. No loss there.
Cynthia the Barmaid - Mmm, that would've been nice, but she's just a bar flirt. Got me some free Shiner's, so I won't complain. Talked about hitting this great restaurant with me, but after a few relaxing evenings there I found out that the sketchy young guy that I thought was just a barback is in fact the guy she's living with. Ewwww!
Tosha - Just talked to her on IM, and she's "preggo". Single mom, 'natch. Another Corpus winner! At least I know it's not mine...
Krystle - Met her at an Election Night party, but due to it running so late, we vacated the hotel party. I was invited back to her place with another cute girl and some College Republican guy that was there also, but instead decided to stop by Cynthia's. Dumbass! She was hot, and apparently, a slut.
Jane- Funny, after I gave her the Heisman when she ran into me out, she never called me back...hmm...
Rossi- Pioneer of the new rating, "Class 5-MILF". She was a serious Class 5, back in the day. Which was significantly longer ago than last week, but not quite multiple decades. Unfortunately, it was too near the end for me to get very far, but was still fun.
Stella-She finally made it back up from the Valley for date #2..or was it 3...not quite as good as the first one, but...wow. Again!

Fetish: Slave Leia

2005-08-24T00:28:00.000-07:00

This is just too luscious...saw this first picture on Flickr, then followed links to the Slave Leia site. One of my personal faves: Melissa Joan Hart wearing the metal bikini.

Eve-l Bitch Watch III

2005-08-17T02:03:00.000-07:00

Dammit, I'm about to have to break out the Roman Numeral "V" here in the Evil Bitch Watch series, and that just can't be good. Sooo... I didn't quite get a chance to cut off the old cell phone before I left for NYC, and got back to a few random messages. No biggie. I was thinking of cutting it off that night, when not two hours after I landed, it rang, and this came in from the Evil One, Summer's Eve:

Hey, good news, you are going to want to offer me congratulations!
And I will be, umm, in your neck of the woods pretty soon.... I'm getting
married, and I will actually be living out there, where you are...umm, actually,
pretty close. Umm, you're welcome to give me a call, if you'd
like...otherwise, umm, we might be seeing each other pretty soon. I will
talk to you when I talk to you, I hope you're doing well; bye.

Seeing each other soon? No, we won't.

Good news? Congratulations? Fuck no, but allow me to offer my most sincere condolences to the poor bastard you tricked into saying vows with you. And by the word "saying", I'm well aware that your "everlasting promises" are nothing but empty air. To Evil Bitch, "for better or worse" really means, "as long as I'm getting what I want, and until I get bored." The obvious next question is, Why on earth is she calling me?

Confidential to Poor Bastard: Your intended, mere weeks or so before your wedding, has spent the last year and a half repeatedly trying to contact an ex who has refused to talk to her for the last several years. Why the fuck is she calling this guy? What does that say about her mental health and the relative status of your relationship? Run! Now!

Unfortunately, I can't find any independent evidence out there to support something like this, or find more details about a destination, but there is reason to believe she still thinks I live in Corpus. I told her I was moving in one of those emails that made her cry, but I believe I was careful not to include a destination. Still....

So, readers, is it time for me to waste the time of writing a "here's what I really think of you" email, or just let it all pass?

Haiku: My Last Night In NYC...for now.

2005-08-17T02:01:00.000-07:00

Subway is flooded
Sprinting Queens for unknown bus
Nice cleavage, Map Girl.

Ask Rev. Lick: I think I saw a stripper at her day job

2005-07-28T20:28:00.000-07:00

Over at Wizbang, Jay Tea writes:

Recently, while attending a Place Of Adult Entertainment, I thought I recognized one of the Entertainers. I am 99% certain she works for Generic Big Stodgy Company, and I occasionally have dealings with her through my day job at Generic Big Company. But while I might get a little grief for attending Place Of Adult Entertainment, I am quite certain she would be in a world more trouble for working at Place Of Adult Entertainment while also holding down a job at Generic Big Stodgy Company.

My dilemma is this: I always thought her attractive, but never enough beyond her appearance drew me in. And if this is indeed the same lady, I was definitely right in my thoughts about her physical appeal. How do I acknowledge my meeting her there at her day job? How do I reassure her I have absolutely no intention of "outing" her to the daytime employer? Or do I simply pretend I don't connect "M" of Place Of Adult Entertainment with "J" of Generic Big Stodgy Company?

I've actually been in this position several times, as well as having dated a few "dancers". The answer depends upon your intentions/aspirations toward her, and how much you actually see her at her day job. Further research is definitely required, and the only place to ask her about this would be inside the POAE. But IGNORE those people who are telling you to tip big! That is absolutely the worst thing you can do!

The right way to do this would be to go into the POAE fairly early in the evening...say, about 9pm if she works nights. Late in the night is not good as the women become more interested in raking in as much cash in as little time as possible. When you see her on stage, tip her several times (singles), at least 3-4 if possible. On the last time tell her to come see you and tell her where you're sitting.

Then wait for her to show up. You need to be extremely cool, relaxed, and present the attitude that you're just there to relax and enjoy the show. When she comes over, you need to get her to sit down and talk. If she asks you if "you'd like a dance" instead of "do you want company?", then tease her for getting straight to the action.

Most importantly, get her talking as much about her life as you can. You will want to get a dance, maybe two at most, so that she doesn't feel like you're completely wasting her time, and tipping $5-10 would be appropriate and fine. But do not go overboard!

Hopefully while you're talking you'll be able to broach the "day job" subject and find out for sure, but remember the idea here is to be really cool about everything. Then she'll think you're a cool person and if you happen to run across each other in the "real world", it won't be awkward at all.
But DO NOT THROW LOTS OF MONEY AT HER! That's the biggest sign of a non-cool guy, and will cause her to lose respect for you and just see you as an easy mark. And if she is the girl at the Day Job, it will be that much more weird.

Did I write this?

2005-07-28T00:16:00.000-07:00

...I probably could have, and certainly have the credentials for it.

The Onion: I Am A Fucked-Up Chick Magnet.

I always go with the better looking women

2005-07-27T00:46:00.000-07:00

Enh, I'd intended to not go into politics at all here, this being a purely debaucherous site and all, but after seeing this I just couldn't help it. So let's link it again, with this title:

Amongst the many reasons why I am no longer a Democrat, despite the fact that my voter card says I am, because I voted for Al Sharpton in the Dem. Primaries in 2004 and by that time he was the best candidate left, and I found that actually voting for Al Sharpton itself was highly entertaining.

Making a "me"

2005-07-26T09:54:00.000-07:00

Granted it's one of the crappiest of these sort of things, and I had to "fix" the HTML just to get it to show up here, but since it is about drinking...

How to make a Rev. Lick

Ingredients:

3 parts pride

3 parts silliness

3 parts energy

Method:
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Add a little lustfulness if desired!

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

What decade is your inner child?

2005-07-24T11:55:00.000-07:00

Well this is thoroughly unsurprising...

what decade does your personality live in?

quiz brought to you by lady interference, ltd

How To Avoid Leaving My House At 3:51 am

2005-07-23T02:26:00.000-07:00

If you decide you're not going to call me, then don't call me back.
If you do decide to call me back, don't meet up with me that night.
If you do decide to go get drinks with me that night, don't just come over to my place first.
If you do decide to come over to my place first, then don't come back in at the end of the evening.
If you do decide to come in at the end of the evening, don't be surprised when you leave with a huge smile at 3:51am.

In other news, the house, a new shirt, and the Captian Morgan Tatoo (which is very good) have all been officially christened.

Spam Mail Funnies

2005-07-23T02:24:00.000-07:00

So I saw this title : Amaze your partner with talents in sexual area!
...and thought it might lead me to some interesting Asian porn...instead I got this:

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
Poetry comes nearer to vital truth than history.
Against logic there is no armor like ignorance.
If it were not for injustice, men would not know justice.

The Freakonomics of Love: my response to David

2005-07-21T05:00:00.000-07:00

Just discovered the Liberty Belles' blog, through their original post on The Freakonomics of Love. Check them out, there's a few other related entries, but I wanted to respond to the latest entrant, David's The Economics of 'Girl Vibe', wherein he ponders the question, "Why do women flirt with me more when I've got a girlfriend?"

Good question...here are excerpts:

I’ve recently committed myself to the girl I’ve been seeing, and an interesting phenomenon has begun occurring: women are suddenly much more eager to flirt with me now than when I was single. This has been the case with all my previous relationships and it holds true again. Girl Vibe is the phenomenon that causes men to suddenly become exponentially more attractive once they find themselves in committed relationships. Ironically, when men are trying the hardest to (desperately) attract a mate [1], interested women are at an apparent shortage, but the moment a pair-bond is formed, women are instantly all-too-eager to express their interest.

There are actually two different questions that need to be addressed here. The first is, why are men more attractive when they are in a relationship? [2] The second is, what do women hope to achieve through flirting with these unavailable men? To answer these questions, I will assume a market for men, with women constituting demand.

Before we can understand why men are more attractive when unavailable, we must separate all men into two categories: gentlemen and assholes. Gentlemen and assholes look alike and act alike.[3] In fact, when both types of commodities are on the market, there is no way for women to tell gentleman from assholes at all. Both types of men will doll themselves up in an effort to attract a mate by putting their best traits forward. Only an owner (girlfriend) of one of these commodi-men will know if she possesses a gentleman or an asshole. She will want to hold on to the former and dispose of the latter. [4] Because most assholes get scrapped, the market of available men disproportionably fills with assholes [5] as all the gentlemen are bought up and enter into exclusivity contracts.

So the second question is why flirt with men who are not on the market in the first place? Assuming loyalty to be one of the traits that women find attractive in men, we can eliminate the possibility of a boyfriend-buyout. Any man who leaves or cheats on his owner becomes instantly less attractive, so the flirtatious girl doesn’t actually want her wiles to bear fruit[6]. Of course, there will always be women who wish to steal men away from their owners, but I believe these women to be the exception rather than the rule. Few women enjoy being home-wreckers.

Honestly, I'm not exactly sure what David's conclusion is, but it seems to be that the flirty girls are just doing it for the practice. They get to be a tease without much risk of ruining their reputation in the (meat-market.

I've got to heartily disagree with David, but do agree with commenters Neal and Jules who beat me to part of my response.

My responses based on the green notations above:

1. As said, before, "desperation" is the surest way to scare off even other desperate people. It is one of the singularly most unattractive traits/behaviors available in the meat-market. As soon as a "gentleman" is in a commited relationship, he is no longer desperate, and thus does not act or seem desperate to others, thus upping is attractiveness exponentially.

2. Pretty much covered by above...the man in question is more attractive because he is not searching for anything from the women he meets. He has made himself a much scarcer, and thus more valuable, commodity by removing himself from the open market.

3, 4, & 5. Wrong on all accounts! The meat market is disproportionately filled with "Nice guys who can't get laid", because assholes do not act like gentlemen. For all their negative qualities, assholes exhibit far more 'Attraction' than most gentlemen...and by that I mean that despite their flaws, women find assholes more sexually arousing than gentlemen (nice guys) because, on average, assholes are more self-confident, less desperate, less approval-seeking, and generally more "manly" than the gentlemen. Assholes stay on the meat-market longer and more often because they have more "Attraction points", and thus are usually less desperate when outside of a committed relationship. To redefine our terms a bit here, I would say that the meat-market is disproportionately filled with Nice Guys and Assholes(who rarely leave the market), and the rarer commodity is the Gentleman-a nice guy that can get laid, one who has as much Attraction as an Asshole without the downsides.

6. I am sure there is a lot of mere "flirting for practice/fun", but David fails to take into account a couple of phenomena I've witnessed. I call them "Catty Competition" and the "I'm Not The Fat Girl Phenomenon."

To answer David's second question in the more innocuous sense, women know that men are still potentially available after they have left the open meat-market, and may re-enter the meat-market again with little notice. The Seductress("buyer") in question is usually speculating on limited information, and assumes that since the man in question is in a relationship, that he must be worth having and is one of the scarce Gentlemen, as opposed to an abusive Asshole or boring Nice Guy. If there's no ring, it's not home-wrecking. Just because she missed him in the primary offering, she may be able to lure him away with a higher bid in the secondary market, or may even be able to position herself to acquire him immediately should he re-enter the primary meat-market.

However, much of this also depends on intra-dynamics in the Women's Game, which I call "Catty Competition". Women as a group are generally catty towards each other, and constantly in competition for being seen as the prettiest or sexiest or whatever. Think of it as bidders at an auction who may not know each other personally, but enjoy outbidding another and taking what the other wants, just for the pure schadenfreude. Women care a lot about how many Attraction Points they have compared to other women. Being able to lure away a taken man automatically increases the Seductress' Attraction Points, and places her above his current girlfriend (at least in her mind). In the Catty Competition, this may have nothing to do with the desirability of the man in question as he is just used a pawn in the Women's Game between the Girlfriend and the Seductress. The "I'm Not The Fat Girl Phenomenon" is a special case of the Catty Competition, which occurs when there is a sizable excess of women-to-men in a relatively closed environment, such as a college campus. Once the ratios approach or exceed about 60/40 women to men, women will tend to 'pay' much more than they otherwise would for any given man in the open meat-market, and the secondary market comes much more into play. Having/getting any man in these adverse market conditions validates the women's Attraction Points in the Women's Game...thus proving to themselves that they are still attractive and not one of the 'fat girls'.

(If you haven't read Freakonomics yet, hie thee to the bookstore! It's incredibly fascinating, and a very quick read.)

Eve-l Bitch Watch II

2005-07-15T11:13:00.000-07:00

She's baa-aack!

Through some unknown means, Evel Bitch (horrid and vile ex-fiancee) seems to know when I've got some big life change going on that is someway related to her, even in passing 3 years later. That is, 3 years after I started refusing to talk to her and have only responded with 3-4 emails that made her cry. Here's the background: Evel Bitch Post 1.

The latest: Calls started coming in around Easter, which was the real start of my move. Then I got another series around Father's Day while I was visiting my sis...the messages left were a long 'Oh, so nice to hear your voice again' rant like we were still old friends, and another one implying that I had something that she needed. [To that one, no, I don't...nearly everything related to her was either sold, or discarded.] The connection? At the time, I'd just gotten my new cell phone with an Austin number, which she will never get from me...therefore having no idea where I am, or any way to call me. The calls started coming in the day before I was going to change the outgoing message on the old phone to "My new number is _." They haven't stopped, either. I just got a few new calls over the 4th weekend, and one a few days ago.

The only reason I haven't disconnected the phone yet is because there are some logistical issues that I need settled before I can really cut it off...like getting my furniture here. [should be next week.] I was going to do it before the next billing cycle, but that's tomorrow. Yet I realized, to my shock and horror, that part of me is actually hesitant because in some twisted way, I am curious as to what she'll do next, and what this is all about.

Obviously, that part must be crushed.

So does anyone out there have a good idea on how to really kill an unwanted and strange psychic connection?

One Legged P0rn

2005-07-14T17:52:00.000-07:00

Rev. Lick returns to blogging with the wrongest site I've seen in quite awhile.

(if you didn't get the idea from the title, this link is extremely NSFW)

My Past Life:

2005-06-07T14:02:00.000-07:00

Reverend Lick was
a Popular Fire-Eater
in a past life.

Discover your past lives @ Quiz Me

Friends in High(ly visible) Places

2005-06-02T22:47:00.000-07:00

So, courtesy of my brother-in-law who is a chef with his own 5-star restaurant, I got to spend the earlier part of this evening hitting on a billionaire's daughter. That's right, "billionaire" with a B. She was definitely attractive and interesting, and maybe she'll show up to the event in NYC in August.

On the whole however, I'm much more interested in the "arranged marriage" my sister set up (kidding...mostly) with one of their waitresses who came out drinking with us.

Funny thing, that.

Update, Itinerary, and Recenly Asked Questions

2005-06-01T10:11:00.000-07:00

Q: Are you still homeless?

Yes.

Q: Any thoughts of, you know, not being homeless anytime soon?

Yes.

Q: ... ... ... Sooooooo? What's the scoop? Did location or living space win out?

Living space, by default/forfeit. We'd made two serious attempts on the Cool Location condo, but it turns out the owner is both a complete flake, and a Jack-Ass. We hadn't stopped looking while we'd submitted him contracts, but in the price range I'm looking at, there just isn't much at all available in Austin proper. The market has been incredibly frustrating. There was another beautiful-living space condo that popped open while I was out of town, but after we saw it and got back to the office to check it out, it had already left the market. The other units in Jack-Ass's complex had monthly tenants, or were still occupied. That left pretty much Brandywine (Super Cool Living Space from my last post), and Jack-Ass's place. Why is he a Jack Ass? Well, the guy's a licensed real estate broker and wouldn't even sign the fucking contract or respond in anything resembling a timely or professional manner. First, he didn't like the price, but wouldn't sign a counteroffer. So we submitted a new contract. Then he wanted a longer closing date for tax reasons, but still wouldn't sign a counteroffer. We explained my situation, and his response was "well, I have this other mortgage guy, call him". Fuck no, we're not jumping through any more hoops on account of your laziness. See ya!

Q: So are you disappointed? What will the new place be like?

Not at all. We got them down to a great price for about twice the space. I've got to replace all the carpets, tile the bathrooms, get a new toilet for one, and un-wallpaper and paint the bathrooms, but after that the place will be sweet. There's a wet bar in a loft above the kitchen, and I think there's even enough room there for a pool table.

Oh, and closing date is on or about June 9th, so only a week or so left!

Q: So what's the itinerary from here?

In Ft. Worth mooching off my sister now, then heading to New Orleans this weekend to do some good drinking with Naked Boy in New Orleans.

09 June ish- Close on condo.
11 June - take the Series 7. Afterwards, commence heavy drinking in Austin.
11-22 June - Moving Hell Pt. 2, get new pad set up and running.
23-27 June - Twong's Wedding in Baltimore/DC area, then back to Austin.
4th of July - Back to D/FW area for a day of bbq and lake fun, and a night of setting off a truly ludicrous amount of explosives.
Mid/Late July - Finally taking my European Solo Trip! I know I'm heading to Germany and Prague, the rest of the itinerary is up in the air, but it may even include Switzerland, Poland, and possibly France. I plan on staying about 3 weeks.
10-14ish August - NYC, baby! My brother in law is cooking again, woo hoo!
17 or 31 August - Actually start work again.

Q: Will we be getting any more good material around this place?

Yes. I still have a lot more material from my final days in Corpus, and that's without having to dig into any more of the archives. I'll be posting a recap from Final Dayz, which officially ended with the wedding I was in a couple of weeks ago.

Guinness Is Good For You!

2005-05-21T14:56:00.000-07:00

The old advertising slogan "Guinness is Good for You" may be true after all,
according to researchers. A pint of the black stuff a day may work as well as an
aspirin to prevent heart clots that raise the risk of heart attacks.

Let's get heart-healthy!

The original campaign in the 1920s stemmed from market research - when people
told the company that they felt good after their pint, the slogan was born.

In England, post-operative patients used to be given Guinness, as were
blood donors, because of its high iron content. This practice continues in
Ireland.

Ireland? But of course ;)!

Rev. Lick Reviews: Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith

2005-05-19T01:29:00.000-07:00

WOW. Just WOW. And I'm going again in 12 hours!

In other news, still homeless.

The Yin and Yang of Intimate Interpersonal Relationships: Homebuying

2005-05-08T22:15:00.000-07:00

Concept for this post blatantly pirated from Jeff Goldstein's

"The yin and yang of intimate interpersonal relationships post" (from the protein wisdom conceptual series) :

Yin: If it's meant to be, even if it's not what you were originally hoping for, it will all work out for the best!

Yang: I can make it work, all I need is a bigger fucking hammer.

Where to live? Tough call in a tough market

2005-05-04T10:22:00.000-07:00

My attempts to not be homeless in the last couple of days have been extremely frustrating. Fortunately, we've narrowed the choices down to about 3 units in 2 different condo complexes. Making the final call, however, has become a really, really difficult decision. Both of the complexes have their own pros and cons, and essentially boil down to: Super Cool Location, or Super Cool Living Space? The contenders:

1) Super Cool Location: Located in the greenbelt around Austin, this place is a block from the hike/bike trail around Town Lake right in the middle of the city. It's about 7 blocks from a stretch of cool bars/restaurants/coffee houses, and I could feasibly walk across the bridge to some good places on West 6th St. However, it's only one bedroom, and is on the ground floor with a view of the parking lot. The set up inside is nice, but only "adequate" for the amount of living space. Laundry may also be a problem, as they haven't finished installing a w/d in the closet. May not be possible to vent the dryer, meaning: laundromat. Eww. No private patio or porch, just the sidewalk outside the front door. Has been completely pimped out with recessed and track lighting, speaker wiring, new carpet, and paint jobs. I will probably thoroughly enjoy the area, but want to move to a bigger place within two years. Price: $95K.

2) Super Cool Living Space: these are not in a bad location, just located far from downtown in North Austin. Instead of "heart of the city", they're located in Strip Mall Yuppie Land. Near where I will be working, but not too close. This area has a lot of your urban 20/30-something professionals. There are quite a few good hang-outs around, but not much you can really walk to or stumble back from. Living space, however, is excellent. The complex is beautifully cared for, and the unit in question is a townhouse, not a condo. It's two-story, two-bedroom, has laundry, a wet bar, loft space, a private outdoor patio, a fireplace, and is over 1000 sq. ft. Also has a third floor converted attic. Can comfortably live there in style indefinitely. Price: $115K.

So what do y'all think? Space or location? Leave thoughts in the comments. Have to decide by the end of the week.

Saenger Hall Port-a-Potty Follies

2005-05-01T00:37:00.000-07:00

Went to Saenger Hall in New Braunfels, TX, to see Jack Ingram play tonight. Great show. This is an old dance hall, and the restrooms are a bunch of port-a-potties outside. While I was breaking the seal, the door opened, and what appeared to be a cute blonde girl was looking at me. To my suprise, we actually had a bit of conversation while I was taking a leak.

Me: [ahhhh...relief.] Door Opens. 'Can I help you?'
Her: 'You didn't lock the door.'
Me: 'Apparently not. Are you coming in or what?' [she's still watching???]
Her: 'But this is the women's room.'
Me: 'It's a porta potty.'
Her: [pause] 'But it says Women on the door.'
Me: 'I've been drinking and didn't bother to read.'
Her: [looks perplexed, finally closes door.'

And yes, all through this exchange I was letting it all hang out. Just wished I'd taken a closer look at her so I could make fun of her after I was done.

Haiku: Ode to Bridget's Tits

2005-04-22T00:59:00.000-07:00

Naturally "D"
She's pregnant, now they're bigger,
Show me more cleavage!

(Bridget is one of my favorite bartenders at the Irish pub downtown.)

Still Homeless in 5 Days, No Furniture Now In 2

2005-04-20T07:21:00.000-07:00

When you can't see how things could possibly get worse, that just means that things are about to go wrong beyond your wildest imagination.

UPDATE: So I thought things would be looking up when I got my laptop back today. Of course not. Turns out, Best Buy just looked at it for over a month and didn't do a damn thing, aside from attempting to charge me $108 for the privilege of giving me false hope.

Rev. Lick Homeless in 8 Days

2005-04-18T23:26:00.000-07:00

So, everything has gone to hell (AGAIN!) with my condo-buy.

Naturally, I text messaged Naked Boy in New Orleans just as it happened, and before I started drinking ;) (in earnest). :

Me: "It's all going to hell again! Um, how long can I stay at your place?"
Naked Boy: "Until our livers fail."
Me: "So...about a week then."

How NOT to be a Drink/Meal ticket

2005-04-18T23:15:00.000-07:00

So, I was invited out tonight to meet up with my Class-5 hook-up from last week...with the implied mention that I was buying her drinks. Naturally, I had no intention of doing any such thing, nor should I.

First of all, we should re-class her as a Class 5-M. The M class is reserved for a lady who meets the appropriate Lick class standads, but is a MILF. Hence, we shall now have 5-M, 4-M, and 3-M standards.

So here's how it went down...she was to get to the bar at 5:15pm. I was to buy her drinks. NOT COOL. I was "on the phone with my agent" for the next hour, and showed up at the bar at 6:45pm. Most of her drinks were already paid for, and the rest went on this other guy's tab that thought he was hitting on her. I got her a drink, me three, and an appetizer. My Final bill:$17, with tip. And I ate most of that appetizer.

Final result: She ends up feeling guilty, and is taking ME out to dinner next time. To a REALLY nice place.

And I didn't ask, she herself is insisting upon taking me out.

Now if only I can get a house....

Word of the Day: Bravery

2005-04-18T14:09:00.000-07:00

True bravery is arriving home, stinking drunk after a very late night out with the boys, being met at the door and assaulted with a broom by your wife . . and still having the guts to ask:

"Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?"

The Ultimate Name Generator

2005-04-16T19:19:00.000-07:00

Rev. Lick's Aliases

Your movie star name: Chips Albert

Your fashion designer name is Matt London

Your socialite name is Lick Austin

Your fly girl / guy name is M Gle

Your detective name is Shark Graham

Your barfly name is Pizza Glenlivet

Your soap opera name is Michael Hillcrest

Your rock star name is Hershey Jet

Your Star Wars name is Matmor Glecal

Your punk rock band name is The Horny Hookah

The Amazing Meganame Generator

You know, that punk rock name is pretty cool...would also be a great name for a bar.

Zen and the Art of Final Dayz Rules

2005-04-14T02:20:00.000-07:00

So, I was at home packing up stuff for my move to Austin, starting tomorrow...er, today. And I got a call from my "Social Director", saying "come have a drink with us, NOW!". So I went. Long story short, I end up spending the night entertaining, and hooking up with, a SOLID Class 5. Yeah, she's apparently got some emotional/family issues, but seriously...I spent tonight hooking up with the hottest girl in Corpus who's trying to convince me to love her.

THIS, my friends, is what Final Dayz Rules is all about!!!!!!!

Dude, Where's Your Fucked-Up Life?

2005-04-14T00:24:00.000-07:00

For those who are wondering wherefore the relative paucity of recent original drinking material-being the overall inspiration for this site-has gone by the wayside, the answer is simply: Life. To expound a bit, I'm in the very middle of some serious Life Transitions here. We're talking a relocation, imminent unemployment, and complete career change. In the last couple of months I've been supremely occupied with selling my house, attempting to buy a new condo, packing shit up, moving shit, putting shit on eBay, and all the tons of paperwork and phone conversations that are needed to do all those things. It's also all gone to hell, or is going to hell, or had gone to hell and came back, on a pretty much daily basis. This hasn't left much time for posting. Besides, aside from the drinking adventures that I have posted recently, there hasn't been much that is truly blog-worthy.

Dude, you're not actually sober now, are you?

Of course not! Fear not, I'm still drinking and causing some amounts of trouble, but the volume has been turned down from '11' to about a 6 or 7. For reference, a 2= a few beers on the weekends, a 5=at least heavily buzzed on the weekends plus a minimum of one mid-week happy hour, and a 10=Navy P-3 deployment where you're smashed every chance you get.

What happened to Final Dayz Rules?

They're still in effect, although it's more of a technicality than a serious effort at implementation right now. For one, I accomplished most of my objectives--by that I don't necessarily mean I got what I wanted, but I took the chances and resolved my curiosities--there are no loose threads left.

What about the women of Final Dayz?

Expect a "recap" post here in the next three weeks, sometime after my move is complete. The window on possibilities is definitely closing, but I am still mildly engaged in exploring a final few potentials.

The Looked-for Booty Call...which never came

2005-04-09T01:30:00.000-07:00

So, it's my last "real" weekend in Corpus as I figure, and I was hoping to NOT be sleeping alone tonight. Or last night. Naturally, things haven't worked out the way I was hoping they would because 1) G-d hates me. [Ok, ok, so yeah, I got Jesus fucked up on mezcal and took Him to a strip club, but geez, that was centuries ago!] , and 2) This is Corpus.

Anyway, last weekend I got a booty call from Crystal, Ms. Phase-5, at around 1:40am Saturday night, and the messages I got were very nicely in vino veritas. I thought she was going to be out of town, but apparently that didn't happen and she was out drinking heavily with her niece. I'd just barely overlapped her in a few choice locations. So why didn't I go? Well, there was still 20 minutes of drinking time left, and the fact that she'd started on "the green pills" a couple days prior. That, and she probably would have been unconscious by the time I would have made it to her place.

So, seeing as there wasn't much potential for anything "interesting" happening, even the morning after if I did go over, I didn't. The weekend before, I'd gotten another drunken booty call from her, but she didn't start calling until well past 4am when even I've given up and gone to bed.

So why not this weekend? Why do you never get the booty call when you're ready and really in the mood for it? It's Saturday night, I've been drinking downtown, and yeah, I left with a couple of new contacts, but where's Crystal? Supposedly she had a BBQ to go to earlier, and was doing schoolwork all weekend, but that's never stopped her. Ordinarily, I'd be happy with the contact info I'd gotten as a "successful evening", but just now, it doesn't seem to matter all that much. I'd really rather NOT be sleeping alone tonight.

The Naked Boy Sobriety Level Scale

2005-04-06T19:17:00.000-07:00

Contributed by Naked Boy (I hit 42 last night):

Level 100: feeling no effect from alchohol

Level 90: slight buzz. Feeling good but decision making abilities are not effected. Full motor skill control

Level 80: moderate buzz. Decision making slightly impaired. Beer goggle effect begins. Motor skill control still intact.

Level 70: Heavy buzz. Starting to get drunk. Ability to drink more faster. You feel more social but not quite obnxious. You start doing and saying things you might not do otherwise. Beer goggle effect increases. All women go up by 0.5 on the Lick Scale. Motor skills begin to deteriorate. Most people would be able to tell you have been drinking even if trying to hide it.

Level 60: Now you are drunk. Slurring of speech may occurr. Drunken gait possible if not trying to avoid it. You feel more social but may be getting obnoxious. Caring about what happens the next day pretty much ceases. You now try to convince others to go out more or stay out later.

Level 50: Judgement impaired. Beer goggle penalty of 1.0 or more on the Lick scale. People will talk about "how drunk you were last night". Strip clubs are looking pretty damn good now if you haven't picked up on somebody yet. Women at this point either want to go home or start lowering their standards ( This started happening to men at level 80 ) You should really not be behind the wheel.

Level 40: You're drunk. Really drunk. Things start spinning when you move. Beer goggles are maxed out. Penalty of 2.0 on the Lick Scale. This can get dangerous if looking to hook up. Motor skills decrease markedly. Anyone can tell by just looking at you that you are drunk. Whatever you have to do the next morning is not going to happen.

Level 30: The good thing about this level is that even if you pick up somebody nasty of the opposite sex, chances are you will pass out before anything happens. Your friends will still make fun of you, though. You will be hungover and pretty much useless the whole next day.

Level 20: You should have gone home long before now. Nothing good can happen at this point. You will likely not remember some or all of the events that transpire. You will also likely find yourself in a bathroom puking.

Level 10: You will wind up in one of two places: Either the hospital or in jail.

Level Zero: You have no fucking clue what you are doing and will not remember it anyway. You will wind up in one of two places: Either the hospital or the Morgue. Good Luck!

Teaching Retarded Girls About Periods

2005-04-04T17:18:00.000-07:00

Thank/Blame "JJH" for this video. Looks like it came from the '50s or early '60s. Probably not safe for work due to sheer tastelessness.

Jewish Buddhism

2005-04-03T11:14:00.000-07:00

Just saw this on Air Force Family:

The Lotus & the Mishpokkeh: The Principles of Jewish Buddhism

1. Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And
sit up straight. You’ll never meet the Buddha with such round shoulders.

2. There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

3. Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

4. To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?

5. Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

6. If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

7. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this, and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

8. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish.*

9. Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish.

10. The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?

11. Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

12. To find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each
flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has tenthousand petals. You
might want to see a specialist.

13. Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

14. Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes!

I could replace "Jewish" here with "Catholic" and it's still so true.

Granny Testicles Joke

2005-03-30T19:47:00.000-08:00

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to
deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000." The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president
and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly," replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done," the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem," said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose
the bet...

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the
president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his
pants, etc., so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course," said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

Ask Rev. Lick: She's Not Quite Single...Again.

2005-03-29T18:16:00.000-08:00

Valentine writes in:

So I recently got out of a 3-year Long Term Relationship with a Girl With Serious Issues (GWSI). Shortly before I met GWSI, I had met this girl "Melissa" at a young single's happy hour. She had an on-again/off-again out of town (i.e., across the country) boyfriend at the time we met. However, we hit it off incredibly well and there was an amazing amount of chemistry between us. Things started to heat up, but before things could go any further, I met GWSI and Melissa left town. Flash forward 3 years and change. Since the break-up, I'd been thinking about Melissa, and heard that she'd moved back to town over a year ago. Now the bad news: she's in a Phase-5 Relationship. I gave her my card, but she was pretty uncomfortable when I asked for her number. She didn't give it, but told me to email/IM her and we'd get together. My question is: now WTF do I do? Need strategy help here!

We'll get to the complex part of your situation in a minute, but let's start with your opening tactics here, which are fairly straightforward and obvious:
1) Wait a few days minimum before contacting her, to give her an opportunity to get in touch with you. This could give you some idea of how interested or available she actually is. Make other plans and talk to other women. If she does call, do not cancel plans you have to do something with her--make her reschedule to see you.
2) Assuming she hasn't initiated contact, then drop her an invitation to something you were going to be doing anyway. Ideally, this should not be on a weekend night. Whatever it is, it should give you time to interact with her one-on-one, yet not give her the impression that it's an actual "date". Good examples would be inviting her to see a friend's band play (drinks are involved, it's fun, and you're not there alone, but all your friends will be occupied the entire time), or meeting you for coffee in a bookstore where you will be catching up on some reading on a Sunday afternoon.

So what if neither of these happens or she doesn't respond? Then do nothing, and see if you run into her at another happy hour. What about on the "date"? DO NOT mention anything about her "other situation", and if she brings it up, just ignore it like it's not important at all. If there's no ring, she's still single: have fun with her, be flirty, get to know her better, and amplify the chemistry as much as possible. Make sure you're the one who calls it a night first. I would also suggest letting her make the first noises about, "Doing something again sometime."

Now for the complex long-term part of it. She definitely sounds like she's worth pursuing, but you have to be very careful about it. WARNING: Do not even think about getting emotionally attached to this girl until you've been dating her exclusively for at least a month. Assuming you can resume "dating-like" outings with her, and things continue to go well, you've got a good shot at success here.

Phase-5 relationships are always tricky, and the fact that she even told you about it indicates it's one of the more semi-serious varieties. On the upside, at least she's honest with you. The part you need to figure out, without actually mentioning it to her, is what's actually going on with her and this other guy. People get into Phase-5 relationships for all sorts of reasons, not all of which are bad or that should really concern you...hell, I'm even in one now!

Let's use mine as a comparison example. Why am I in it? Well, she went back on her medication for one thing. We had a lot of fun together when we were dating, the sex was incredible, and in this backwater town, neither of us really have any better options. We know we're not going to end up married one day, but for the time being we're content with the companionship and affection. We also have the freedom of not being in a "real" relationship--we take trips, etc, and do what we want without feeling the need to inform/ask the other one.

So how is this different from Melissa's? Well, for one thing she didn't give you the digits. This could mean several things: she's actually not as into you as you thought, that she's actually pretty serious with the other guy, that she spends a lot of time with the other guy and doesn't want to explain the phone calls, or possibly that she's just playing hard to get. Obviously Ms. Five and I don't talk about dating other people, but I don't think twice about exchanging phone numbers with a girl that I might be interested in dating.

My intuitive guess here is that Melissa's Mr. 5 is a bit more serious than she lets on, but a situation she also knows isn't going to eventually work out for her in the long term. She's open to being snatched away, but is only going to really break it off and walk if she's got a "sure thing" waiting in the wings.

How do you play this long term? You have to resume the "friendship with flirtation", and both see her on a somewhat regular basis and ramp up and amplify the chemistry and attraction. Make her think she's really missing out by not being with you. At some point, she needs to be reciprocating the pursuit and chasing you. Let her, give her the opportunity to do so. You will also have to break down the physical barrier--the difference between "just friends" and romance is whether or not there's a physical component to your relationship. In this case it doesn't have to be--and probably shouldn't be--all that many "bases", but you've got to get at least to kissing, snuggling, and some suggestive backrubs. And leave her wanting more. This will further lead to destabilizing her Phase-5 thing, and make her ready to leave it for you, her "sure thing". You hasten this by using the subtle ultimatum of "I'm dating other people and not waiting for you to figure out what you want--I don't have time for that." Do not ever actually say this to her, but let her know that you're spending time with other women without her, on a regular basis, because she's got some other guy-thing going on. And do so.

**I'd like to make this more of a regular feature. Feel free to email me your questions regarding life, women, dating, drinking, strip clubs, etc., or post them in the comments.**

2005-03-27T00:57:00.000-08:00

If you think I'm going to Hell for this, you obviously don't know me very well. ;)

Surreal: Zoom Quilt

2005-03-26T20:45:00.000-08:00

This is going to be interesting to play with again later when I've gotten back from drinking.

Drinking Motivation: Planning

2005-03-26T18:14:00.000-08:00

So I Got Drunk With A British Intelligence Agent Tonight

2005-03-25T01:00:00.000-08:00

So since it's Purim, and the end of Holy Drinking Days, I randomly ended up getting drunk downtown with a member of British Intelligence who's spent the last two years in Iraq. He was here in town on holiday. Naturally, I took the opportunity to question him somewhat, in between other activities.* I can absolutely vouch for him, as he managed to buy us another round after the bar was closed at Last Call!

While we were drinking, I tried to feel him out on various issues with the War, etc, and get some ideas from an operative who was over there.

-WMD's in Lebanon- ' Complete bollocks. I spent two years looking for WMD's, and there isn't shite. Lebanon has nothing.' We did agree, however, that they had some really hot protest-girls.

-What are the average Arabs like? 'They're just blokes trying to make a buck. The one's I've met in camp are great people. Right after we rolled in, everything you could want was a dollar. Now, it's twenty, but everything's still cheaper than anywhere else [in the world].'

-Bush/Blair, etc: 'We should've gone in ten years ago.' On the actual conduct of the current conflict: 'Fail to plan, plan to fail.' On the whole, though, positive about the effort, if not the specific details.

-Religion: I floated the Jewish holiday angle. Turns out he's completely irreligious, and could give a f*ck what the Christians, Jews, Muslims, or anyone thinks about any kind of afterlife. 'I'll pick one when I'm dead, and see what happens.' I was testing the whole British anti-Semitism angle, but it turns out, he really doesn't care about any religions.

*Those activities would involve women, especially one "Holly" who was hanging out with us, and wearing one of those "negligee" shirts over jeans. Let us just say that, while her "tracts of land" may not have been large, they were especially 'scenic'.

Happy Purim!

2005-03-24T19:29:00.000-08:00

From Aish, "How many Jews does it take to change a lightbulb?"
Cute, but still funny :).

The Temple of the Holy Spirits (and Tequila) will be finishing off Holy Drinking Days pretty much the same way we started them--at the Irish pub downtown. Only without a laptop. Was planning on making it a light night, but remembered Purim actually starts tonight!!!

Can't do too much damage, though, as I have a garage sale with Crystal in the morning, as preparations grow more urgent for departing to the Land of Milk and Honey--aka Austin. On the other hand, there are signs that I may have completely jinxed myself and will be royally fucked with neither reach-around nor lubrication.

Terri's Feeding Tube on eBay

2005-03-23T18:21:00.000-08:00

This is just so totally, completely, and utterly wrong.

Naked Boy: A Small World in N'Awlins

2005-03-21T17:58:00.000-08:00

Naked Boy writes in:

This is a small world New Orleans story...so last weekend I was out by the pool, and this chick with a really hot body was lying down nearby. She was lying face down so I didn't see her face. The next day, I met this girl in the elevator and said hi, I didn't know if it was the same girl or not. So then I was out on St. Patty's day...I was with this guy Mike that was in town for one night. He was here to do an upgrade to our computer system at work. I had hung out w/ him before on several occassions and he is a pretty cool guy and can hang. We went to a big St. Patty's Day block party and met up with a bunch of people including Shelley. [NB's 50 year-old girlfriend.* He's 29. -ed.] During this time, I think I saw almost everybody I've ever hooked up with in N.O. The rest of them go home, but Mike and I go out the Quarter. He was here for only one night so this was pretty mandatory. We wound up going to first the Alibi ( I know that is ususally the finishing point, but WTF ) [the Alibi is a place that only starts getting good at 4 a.m., when the strippers get off work and start showing up there. I have kept drinking there well past dawn on several occasions. -ed. ] ...then went to Bourbon St Blues Co for 3 for 1 upstairs. So, I see this girl there that's pretty hot and look in her direction for a second. This guy comes up to me and tells me stop looking at his girlfriend. After giving him a look, he starts laughing and tells me he was just fucking with me, and that was just one of his good friends-then he introduces me to her, so we start talking. She goes to the bathroom and this guy Chris starts telling me that I should go out with her b/c her family has a lot of money and her parents bought her a place at Lake Marina Tower...turns out she lives in my building AND is the girl that was by the pool! After that we all went to Rick's and saw some boobies. So, I give her a call and talk to her a little bit tonight. This is something that could definitely be interesting. Also, she is probably around 25 or so.

Me: ...and that's it?

Naked Boy: So far. It's just a small world story. Plus, I have to be careful about 50 the yr/old girlfriend. *

*What, you thought I was kidding?????

St. Patty's Aftermath

2005-03-19T02:27:00.000-08:00

Finally sober enough to post the adventures and aftermath of March 17th. When St. Patty's is on a Thursday, it makes for a looooooong weekend! Well, I got home safe, and with a few new numbers in the cell phone.

One of the numbers, it turns out, is from a "fat friend" that I apparently met several weeks ago. I started getting text messages from a girl on Friday night, and was wondering both who she was, and why I'd gotten her number the night before without remembering actually talking to her first. Then she told me about her friend Melissa, whom I very well did remember. I was at Cassidy's, and started a conversation with this very attractive girl on the corner of the bar: her name was Melissa, and she was wearing a low cut blouse revealing truly ample and beautiful cleavage, had perfect features, and lovely auburn tresses. Oh, and a fat friend. We chatted for nearly an hour, but I split when Melissa said the "B" word--I have no time for those sort of things down here.

But that was later in the evening...earlier, I'd left the Irish pub to try and hit a concert down the street, but it was sold out. While grabbing a beer there anyway, I ran into Calli of Cheetah's and her roommate (a waitress there). We hung out and had a great time for awhile, until Calli got a phone call and disappeared crying about an hour later. Back to the Irish pub!

After that, shots of Jamesons started flowing and things get very hazy.

Casualties: Countless braincells, half a liver, and my laptop. When I woke up Friday noon, my laptop was completely and utterly dead. All attempts to revive it were useless. It's since been sent to Best Buy, where my service contract damn well better get me a new one.

I Took the Alkie's Test...

2005-03-19T02:23:00.000-08:00

Bourbon
Congratulations! You're 113 proof, with specific scores in beer (60) , wine (100), and liquor (113).

Screw all that namby-pamby chick stuff, you're going straight for the bottle and a shot glass! It'll take more than a few shots of Wild Turkey or 99 Bananas before you start seeing pink elephants. You know how to handle your alcohol, and yourself at parties.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 20% on proof
You scored higher than 86% on beer index
You scored higher than 94% on wine index
You scored higher than 95% on liquor index

OK, so need to go study some of my Hard Liquor facts....will do this while drinking more.

Happy St. Patty's Day!

2005-03-17T01:10:00.000-08:00

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!!!

Patrons, Rejoice! Holy Drinking Days are upon us!

Temple of the Holy Spirits (and Tequila) Holy Drinking Days

2005-03-14T23:02:00.000-08:00

Patrons!

Holy Drinking Days are upon us!

The Temple of the Holy Spirits (and Tequila) 's Holy Drinking Days are celebrated from St. Patty's Day to Purim, March 17th to whenever before/after. This year, the Holy Drinking Days are from March 17th (this Thursday, also our normal Holy Drinking Day) until March 25th (Purim).

For those that don't know, Purim is a Jewish holiday (aka the Feast of Esther) that is properly celebrated by getting roaringly drunk. Really. I found this out in college, and have been celebrating it ever since!

You may properly observe the Holy Drinking Days by frequenting any establishment(s) that will still serve you.

Strange Bartender Relations

2005-03-14T22:55:00.000-08:00

Here's my strange story from this evening...file this under "This Town Is Too Small!"

On the way back from a friend's house (who, naturally, also happens to be one of my bartenders), I stopped at the Q-Pub. This place attracts a really older crowd, but is quiet and relaxed, and there's still the chance I could hook up with Cynthia my favorite bartender. Well Cynthia wasn't working tonight, but I had a beer anyway while I was figuring out what to do with the rest of the evening--it is Spring Break down here, after all.

Was overhearing the barmaid's conversation with another gentleman--it turns out she's the mother of Bridgett, the hot red head that works at my Irish bar! And her niece is this girl named Miranda, who used to be a stripper at the Cheetah club!

Guess it's a family trade.

Wedding Reception Gangbang Rape Intervention

2005-03-14T22:30:00.000-08:00

Well, this title should turn up some interesting search referrals...

So my friend Robyn was back in town this weekend for her sister's wedding, and I got drafted as the safety date. The selling point was the two greatest and most dangerous words in the English language: Open Bar. No problem, her family is kinda fun, though she is for several reasons un-dateable. We got to the reception, and one of her uncles started in with the "family shots", so before the bride has even shown up for dinner, most of the crew is on their way to being completely wasted. Again, par for the course.

Here's where it got weird. Her cousin "Maria" is 13 years old and well on her way to being a complete knock-out. The story/intervention as I heard it was that she'd run away from home two weeks before, and turned up beaten and had been gangraped by four different guys, the leader of which was 17 and had a tatoo saying "Never Satisfied" across his chest. This was the second time she'd run away. Unfortunately, the entire evening devolved into Robyn "intervening" with her cousin and me having to hear this story-verbatim-at least a dozen times. It's worth noting that certain aspects of the story are suspect, but that it's probable "Maria" is running with a Mexican gang called "CC Mob" and may be in to drugs already.

And this is a nice (if alcoholic) family with a big house out on the Island.

As it devolved naturally, the evening ended up with some people possibly mad at each other, with Robyn and her cute cousin Jennifer (that I failed to hook up with due solely to her being completely plastered since 7pm) being forced into a cab and driven home around 11pm.

It ended up being strange enough that I had to continue on downtown (hey, the suit was ruined already) to get a Guinness and get away from it all.

Booby Cursor

2005-03-11T13:51:00.000-08:00

Highly entertaining (if you're a guy), but probably not a good idea to click this link if you're at work right now. (NSFW)

Something Is Seriously Wrong With The Universe

2005-03-08T23:35:00.000-08:00

Drunk Mexican Near-Bar Fight II

2005-03-08T22:51:00.000-08:00

I'm really getting sick of this shit, although tonight's encounter was more amusing than the last one. So I have a couple of beers over at Crystal's, and am kicked into Drinking Time as I left her place. Naturally, all productivity is lost, but it's still early, so I go to the Martini Bar on my way home...the good Tuesday place in the drinking rotation.

After making friends with the guys next to me, I am simply sipping my beer and checking out the scenery. Next thing I know, I've got a drunk Mexican with his finger in my face going, "Do I know you???" No, you don't. If you don't have breasts and aren't buying me drinks, then expect no attention from me at the bar. So apparently this dude was pissed about something and wouldn't let it go, because I simply look like someone that pissed him off.

As the night goes on and another beer later, it turns out that what had happened was that the guy in my face actually pissed on some other guy's boots in the bathroom, and then was somehow affronted when the pissee was not happy about this. Naturally, the drunk Mexican did not think to check that I was not, indeed, wearing boots.

They ended up buying me drinks, and I didn't have to rip anyone's ear off and do lots of paperwork. So it turned out OK.

[as for the first incident...some dude got pissed off because I set my beer down on a table while sending a text message and lighting a smoky treat. Really, that was it. The table was near empty at the time. Then he took offense when I told him he was psychotic and asked his sister, who had just bummed a smoke, "Shouldn't he be back in his cage by now?" She laughed.]

Tekillya is NOT your friend!

2005-03-08T12:51:00.000-08:00

Man Dies After Winning Tequila Shot Contest

SANTO DOMINGO, Dominican Republic — One person is dead and three are gravely ill following a tequila drinking competition in Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic. The winner of the contest died. Officials say Ricardo Ivan Garcia — who was 21 — drank more than 50 shots of tequila Sunday night at a disco. The prize was ten-thousand pesos — about 330 dollars. A prosecutor says the man died of
apparent heart failure brought on by alcohol poisoning. Three other contestants
remain in serious condition in the hospital.

When it comes to tequila, there are no winners. Only victims and innocent bystanders.

Drinking Quote of the Day

2005-03-07T00:47:00.000-08:00

"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors...and miss."
-Robert A. Heinlein

Haiku For An Ugly Girl

2005-03-05T01:28:00.000-08:00

If G-d really loved
you, why didn't He give you
a much better face?

--courtesy of Bill, my Druish* bartender.

*Yes, he's actually a Druid priest. Naturally that's not a full-time profession, and he's bartending while finishing his degree.

Scenes from Last Weekend/Failing to Escape Strippers

2005-03-04T20:38:00.000-08:00

Vandalism re-vandalized "Go to hell, asshole!" ...Rev. Lick adds "I'm already there, fuckwit!"
In a college dive bar 'Dude, why is there a green bean in the sink?"
Flirted heavily with a girl who turned out to be a local politician's daughter...not sure which party or office, but down here they're all completely crooked and in someone's pocket--when they're not busy getting in mine. Cute and interesting, but was wearing a low-cut blouse which revealed her full-chest tatoo. Eww.
OK, this was actually last night, but I can't seem to get away from the strippers. Last week I ran into two at Target, of all places. And last night, I started busting on the annoying girl at the bar next to me. She is proud of the fact that she works at The Party Place, which, as strip clubs go, is the kind of place where you go to get in the mood to pick up a crack whore. Oh, and the bar I was at...third nicest place in town.

Happy Texas Independence Day!

2005-03-02T09:45:00.000-08:00

On March 2nd, 1836, Texas declared it's independence from Mexico.

Tonight: Shiner Bock in celebration.

Gotta find me one of those waving-flag thingies.

Taped on my fridge

2005-03-01T21:50:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my world.

(Click on the picture to see it clearly)

Suckered by Personals Email, Rev. Lick Calls Guy

2005-03-01T20:27:00.000-08:00

It was all...so...plausible.

Yeah, I have ads up on several personals sites--Match, Yahoo, eHarmony, etc. It's a completely passive way to meet women, with zero effort on my part most of the time. You also get to find out a lot of "screening" information about the other person that you wouldn't know after meeting for 5 mins in a bar...have they been married? kids? age? degree status? smoking habits? religion? etc. Since I'm also a cheap bastard who likes to scam the system, I have my "username" rigged up to be the same ID as a very common email/IM account. So getting a personals-response email there would not be surprising, and I don't really use it for anything else.

For the first time in weeks, I checked it today, and there was a very nice email from "Janie", asking if I'd gotten the email she'd sent me off Match, telling me she'd just moved to Corpus Christi, and inluding a link to her profile on another personals site as well as a phone number. Something like this has happened before, although it's rare. The kicker: the email came in on my birthday.

So I checked the site, saw her pic, and she was smokin' hot. I checked her email domain, and it was a legit free-email service. Unfortunately, there were eight digits in the phone number, but the last one looked like a typo. I typed it into whitepages.com, and it came up as a Sprint cell phone from Victoria, TX. Her profile said she was a nursing student, and there is a nursing school there. It's all checking out...!

I called the number, the voice mail picked up, but the outgoing message was the default computerized "this is" phone number. So I left a message identifying myself as "that guy from the personals you emailed, etc." Not two minutes later, the phone rings, and it's that number.

I pick up and hear...a guy's voice: "I just got a call from this number?".
"Wrong number!!" CLICK!

So I sent the short email I was replying to "Janie" with, and got an instantaneous auto-response telling me to email her through...you guessed it...that other personals web site.

Anyway, I did a little more looking, and the other site is a complete scam. They're charging exorbitant rates, have very few people signed up, and are now obviously resorting to trolling the other sites trying to find suckers who will pay to contact their faux-femmes.

But if you want to see what lured me in, the homepage is: www.selectyourfriendlymatch.com
When you get there, type in "her" member number into the "locate" box: 3042473

Just don't let your credit card near the computer, or bother to log-in out of curiosity. I did that for you: the profiles of fugly girls are real, and the ones of cute girls are almost entirely faked. Badly.

Windex's 5-Phase Relationship Theory

2005-02-28T21:06:00.000-08:00

In the interests of preserving Guy Lore, and as it's a critical point to my next post, I present Windex's Theory of Relationship Progression, in five phases.

Phase 1 - Establishment.
This phase covers from first meeting, through the early stages of dating. If you're still hesitant to call her/him whenever you feel like it, you're still in a Phase 1 relationship. Typically this lasts about a month.

Phase 2 - Happy/Honeymoon Period.
You're now definitely "official" and still really excited about it. You begin to relax around each other and get comfortable with the other person being there a lot. This is Months 2-3.

Phase 3 - Stable Relationship.
Somewhere near the end of Month 3 you hit what I call "The Reality Point". This is the point where you've both sufficiently let your guards down, and shown the other person what you're really like on a daily basis, that you can make something of an objective appraisal of who it is you're really dating (as opposed to what you thought when you first met her/him). This is your reality check, to decide whether or how the relationship will progress. A typical Reality Check is when you're having dinner one night, and truly realize, "Dude!...I'm...I'm dating... a vegetarian." If you survive the reality check, congratulations, you're now in a stable relationship. This is usually Months 4+.

Phase 4 - The Break-Up.
Now this is where it really gets interesting! Hello, drama!

Phase 5 - Casual Resumption Of Benefits/Relations, Pseudo-Relationship.
This is the strange post-break up phase, and since all Phase 5 situations vary considerably, it is hard to label it accurately. It usually requires an extended period apart, and both parties dating other people in the interim. Whether or not a relationship will develop into Phase 5 basically depends on both the seriousness of the prior state, and the circumstances of the breakup. If it was a long/serious relationship before, or the breakup was really traumatic for one of the parties, it's highly unlikely you'll ever turn that into a Phase 5. So why do Phase 5's happen? Companionship and sex. Most often this occurs when things between you overall were "good", but just not Right. After a few months back into dating, you're both bored, tired of it, and haven't met anyone quite as interesting/not-annoying as the person you were dating before. So the two of you start hooking up again. Usually it's quite a bit more casual than it was before, and you don't get the frequency of benefits, but it keeps you both content until something better comes along.

Obviously, not everyone progresses through all of the phases, and most attempts never make it past Phase-1. Breakups can be final, or return to Phase-3 rather than proceeding on to Phase-5 at a later date.

Scooby-Doo on Ether-Acid

2005-02-26T15:54:00.000-08:00

Check out Iowahawk's lost episode of Scooby Doo, guest starring Hunter S. Thompson.

Put down your drinks first, though.

The Strangeness Continues

2005-02-25T14:55:00.000-08:00

"As your attorney, I advise you to start drinking heavily."
"As your attorney, I advise you to take a hit out of the little brown flask in my shaving kit."
-Dr. Gonzo

Wife details family gathering with Hunter S. Thompson dead in chair.

ASPEN — Hunter S. Thompson heard the ice clinking.
The literary champ was sitting in his command post kitchen chair, a piece of blank paper in his
favorite typewriter, dead of a self-inflicted gunshot through the mouth hours earlier. But a small circle of family and friends gathered around with stories, as he wished, with glasses full of his favored elixir — Chivas Regal on ice.

Morbid, but I've heard worse. Me, I want to go out in a flaming barge, Viking-style. That is, if there's more than a Ziploc's worth of me left.

Petting Shroedinger's Cat

2005-02-25T00:24:00.000-08:00

That's the metaphor for my life right now: stuck in a box with Schroedinger's Cat. Maybe I'll explain later.

In other news, I invented a new drink tonight: The Black & Texas. It's a Black & Tan, only instead of Bass you use Shiner Bock. It was surpisingly good and smooth.