Sunday, February 13, 2005

Midget Tossed! (and other drinking updates)

A couple of random drinking stories to catch up on from the last week or so.

Midget Tossed From Murdoch's Bar:

OK, so he wasn't really a midget, but this guy walked in all of 5'-nothing, laid a brass-topped cane on the bar next to me, and attempted to get a beer. Unfortunately for him, he was 1) an asshole, and 2) completely wasted. This guy was probably all of 25, but had no clue what he was doing or how to behave properly in this setting. The barmaid instead gave him a glass of water, and nicely said, "When you finish that, we'll talk about getting you a beer." The barmaid walked off, and I made a nice attempt to tell him what was going on, but he responded with, "I have more money than you and I'll do whatever I want!" Riiiiiight...let's see you get served, pal. Well, he continued to be an asshole, and was promptly thrown out the door...more forcefully after making a feeble attempt to use his cane to take a swipe at a bouncer.

Rev. Lick's Tips for Continuing To Get Served While Smashed:
  1. DON'T just order "a beer"...order a specific beer. Preferably using as few words as possible. Go for "A Bud" and you can usually keep drinking until you lose consciousness.
  2. DON'T argue with or in any way alienate the people serving you drinks. Be nice to your bartenders, always. If you're a regular, befriend them.
  3. If your bartender gives you a glass of water, shut the fuck up and drink it!
  4. If all else fails, have one of your friends get your drinks.
  5. Realize that bartenders can't legally serve people that are obviously drunk, so learn to be nice and fake it.

( Random sidenote: I was once cut off in a bar in New Orleans, of all places. The especially ironic part is that I was completely sober and only going for beer #3)

Minor Humiliates Self By Hitting on Cute Coworker:

So after the free drinking (below), I went to bar a block over, which almost always has a decent crowd. So I bellied up to the corner of the bar, and as I was getting my beer, I was engaged in conversation by an apparent couple. The guy was telling the girl how incredibly hot she was (over, and over, and over...), and then tried to get my opinion in to confirm, "Dude, tell her how hot she is!". "Nah," I said, "she's attractive, but I wouldn't go that far." Much to his shock, the girl agreed with me. This led to an attempt to explain my 5-point scale, and how Jodi, the girl in question (and subject of the annoying gropage) only rated a 4. Well, I come to find out that they're co-workers at a new Chili's that just opened up, and assumed that they'd come out drinking together, at least as friends. Wrong! She'd just met the guy, and some of the crew had come over to Mulligan's for drinks after...and now it's just the two of them, he's got a HUGE crush on her, and she has no choice but to see him at work again. A lot. Oh, and they're both drunk. I am highly amused as this guy is making a complete ass of himself falling at this girl's feet begging her to like him, or at least to even accept a compliment. I am laughing my ass off at his complete lack of game, as he's now backpedaling his way into trying to convince her that he's drunk and will be completely embarassed tomorrow (aka, the Throw Me A Bone gambit). She goes to the bathroom, and he confesses that he's only 16 and snuck in on his brother's ID!

Free Clue: If you're a guy reading this, and you're in high have ZERO chance with a girl over 21. Or even 18 and in college. If you're 16, have "your license", and are somehow "going with" a Senior girl, you are not The Shit. You are merely a nice dump that will be flushed as soon as she gets anywhere near college.

The 30th Festivities:

Believe it or not, utterly tame. After getting no response Friday night, I walked into Cassidy's, my Irish bar. Bill asked how I was, and I responded, "I've been officially old for about seven minutes now." This led to me getting lots of free drinks, and the band/bar singing "Happy Birthday" to me. Not a bad start ;). Saturday night was more of the same, met up with friends who gave me a new (toy) lightsaber, and the drinking continued. No adventures of note, although the late-night pizza place downtown does have great calzones.


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