Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Wir sind Pimpen: The German Brothel Story

Since this new story made the light a few days ago:

German Gov't: Wir sind deine Pimp!

This is a great time for the German Brothel Story!

So, back in April of '99, courtesy of a Navy training flight, I got to spend 3 days in Munich with my buddy Ratskellar* doing the Beer Drinkers' Tour of Munich. The first night we hit the Hofbrauhaus with the rest of the crew, and discovered something interesting--the biergartens shut down by 11pm. The second interesting thing-German beer doesn't give you hangovers, and you can drink all day and just be pleasantly buzzed instead of falling-down smashed. And the beer is cheaper than water, or anything else there. After we had to leave the Hofbrauhaus, we tried to continue the evening, only to wind up in a strip club (as it was the only place we could find open). We didn't know it at the time, and after we had our mandatory two drinks, fled before we could get in any more trouble that night.**

So our second night in Munich, we decided to plan ahead and find a late-night destination--after all, this is Europe and they're supposed to party all night, right? So we took along our map and hoped to find out where the colleges in town were, supposing that was our most likely source of Fraulein scenery. We spent the day sampling as many bars and beer places as possible, and got dinner at the St. Augustiner Kellar, a real German biergarten as opposed to the tourist-central Hofbrauhaus. The language barrier was a difficulty, but we did manage to get a local lawyer to buy us lots of shots and give us a "get out of jail free" card. As the night before, they shut down around 11pm. Cab time!

And that's when it all went to hell.

Turns out, we get this chick cabbie. We've been drinking all day, and tell her that we want to go to a club near the college area that's open late.

"Where do you want to go?"
"A place that's open late with beer and women!"
"Ooh, you want me take you where there's girls, right?"
"Ja, ja! We like girls!"
"OK, I take you where there's lots of girls!"

It sounded good at the moment. It started seeming less good as we end up heading far away from downtown, and even further from our lodging at the base on the southern outskirts. We started having bad feelings after we passed numerous places that looked promising, and headed into the heavily residential areas. Then she drops us off in a little parking area in a house-sized building, points us to a red wooden door, and says "Just go in there, you'll love it!" Before we can even get a "But" out, she's gone. And there's nothing else for us to do but go inside.

We walk in, and we're in a's nicely wood paneled and looks like a fern-bar, but it's still a bar. So far so good. Except that it's empty. It's just us sitting at the bar going "where the fuck are we?" until a bartender comes out. We ask for beers, and he informs us there's a 50 DM cover charge, but we get four beers for it. Having neither clue nor plan, we decide to keep drinking until we figure out what we're going to do, and exactly where the fuck we are.

Halway into Beer 1, this gorgeous girl in a short black cocktail dress comes out and sits down right next to me. We have a nice little chat...and then she offers her services. "Um, give us a minute." Ratskellar and I turn to each other wide-eyed and say, "Oh SHIT! We're in a fucking brothel!" Well, that explains the strange cab ride and bar, at least. We start on Beer 2, as we give each other the look. Fortunately not the, "I will if you will" look, but the "Dude, I really don't know about this, but you're welcome to sample the wares if you want." Still freaked out, another few sips and we conclude that we both love our girlfriends too much to do anything here.***

Dangerous part past, and as Ratskellar's getting our 3rd round I get curious and go over to ask the girl what they've got to offer here, and how much. At this point there is all of one other person in the bar area. The price turns out to be 700DM for an hour, or about $450. Damn, now we really love our girlfriends! (To say nothing about our physical abilities at that point to truly enjoy such services.)

That was about the time things started picking up. This place was a complete sexual buffet, any fantasy you want, they had ready. There was a hot tub room, a shower room, an S&M dungeon, and who knows what else. There were girls walking around in cocktail dresses, formal gowns, just-out-of-the-shower towels, leather and chains, bikinis, you name it.

So near the end of Beer 4, Ratskellar realizes that we're completely trashed, in a foreign country, in a really bad place to be in our condition. At that point we fled out into the street. We have no idea where we are, and there is no traffic on the street, anywhere. We end up finding the North Star, and use that to start heading south. So we stumbled drunk for a good 2km until we finally found a road and got a cab back.

*Names changed to protect the guilty-as-me.
** Rev. Lick's "fondness", shall we say, for gentleman's establishments did not occur until near the end of the reign of Evel Bitch.

*** Not that either of us wanted to anyway. As stated before, Rev. Lick is somewhat OK with women of questionable morals, but prostitution is another thing entirely. For starters, I don't want to get anything that doesn't wash off.


Post a Comment

<< Home