Rev. Lick 37, Yellowjackets 0

Ah, there's nothing like committing a massacre with chemical weapons, then settling in to Hamburger Helper.

Hey, "Nice Guys"--Allow me to translate

You've probably seen this one floating around your MySpace bulletins or as regular spam. Wise and insightful commentary below:

To every guy that's said, "Sex can wait."
To every guy that's said, "You're beautiful."
To every guy that was never too busy to drive across town to see her.
To every guy that gives flowers and a card when she is sick.
To every guy who has given her flowers just because.
To every guy that said he would die for her.
To every guy that really would.
To every guy that did what she wanted to do.
To every guy that cried in front of her.
To every guy that she cried in front of.
To every guy that hugs her when she's sad.
[Etc, etc, for way too long. I can't bear to repost the whole damn
thing.]
To every guy that actually listened.
To every guy that gave his heart only to have it shoved back in his
face.

TO EVERY GUY THAT PRAYS THAT SHE IS HAPPY EVEN IF YOU ARE NOT WITH
HER.
This one is for you...Not all girls appreciate nice guys. There's not many
left out there....

FOR THE NICE GUYS: Dude, if one of your chick friends sent this to you, and it makes you feel all appreciated and stuff, take note of the fact that she's not with you, and is not naked with you. Get a clue, stop being an emotional tampon, and keep reading...

FOR THE GIRLS: "This one's for you.." THIS. ONE. WHAT??? It damn sure ain't a blow job, toots! Allow me to translate those last three 'to's': 1) I bitched about my ex while you bought me drinks, and yeah, I did know you've always had a serious thing for me. 2) I took everything I could from you, but only "loved" you while it was convenient, and 3) Yes, I know how much you're really into me, but I can't stop fucking the postman, and I expect you to deal with it, and 4) This nice little email is to convince you that maybe, just maybe, if you keep taking me to fancy restaurants and being my free therapist, one day we might hook up...even though I know for damn sure that'll never happen. But really, keep picking up the check. I deserve it because I'm a girl.

Really, ladies, spare us.

The Wisdom of the Late Sam Kinison

I just love the term "Emotional Tampon"...

About your exes:

"She says, 'Can't we be still like see each other once in a while and have lunch or see a movie? Just to be friends?' I said 'Yeah, friends, I think I know what you mean. I've become some kind of emotional tampon that you need four or five days a month when no one else will take your f---ing bullshit. But we don't f--k, right? Isn't that what friends is, we don't f--k, right?'"

Why I don't believe in "rehab":

Detox? There's a bargain. $13,000 for a 3 and a half week treatment.And, folks, I don't want to sound like a casual user or anything, but if you can come up with $13,000 you don't have a problem yet!

Things You Shouldn't Say Upon Meeting Your Internet Date, 1

"Your tits looked much bigger in your pics."