Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Granny Testicles Joke

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to
deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000." The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president
and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly," replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done," the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem," said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose
the bet...

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the
president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his
pants, etc., so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course," said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Ask Rev. Lick: She's Not Quite Single...Again.

Valentine writes in:

So I recently got out of a 3-year Long Term Relationship with a Girl With Serious Issues (GWSI). Shortly before I met GWSI, I had met this girl "Melissa" at a young single's happy hour. She had an on-again/off-again out of town (i.e., across the country) boyfriend at the time we met. However, we hit it off incredibly well and there was an amazing amount of chemistry between us. Things started to heat up, but before things could go any further, I met GWSI and Melissa left town. Flash forward 3 years and change. Since the break-up, I'd been thinking about Melissa, and heard that she'd moved back to town over a year ago. Now the bad news: she's in a Phase-5 Relationship. I gave her my card, but she was pretty uncomfortable when I asked for her number. She didn't give it, but told me to email/IM her and we'd get together. My question is: now WTF do I do? Need strategy help here!
We'll get to the complex part of your situation in a minute, but let's start with your opening tactics here, which are fairly straightforward and obvious:
1) Wait a few days minimum before contacting her, to give her an opportunity to get in touch with you. This could give you some idea of how interested or available she actually is. Make other plans and talk to other women. If she does call, do not cancel plans you have to do something with her--make her reschedule to see you.
2) Assuming she hasn't initiated contact, then drop her an invitation to something you were going to be doing anyway. Ideally, this should not be on a weekend night. Whatever it is, it should give you time to interact with her one-on-one, yet not give her the impression that it's an actual "date". Good examples would be inviting her to see a friend's band play (drinks are involved, it's fun, and you're not there alone, but all your friends will be occupied the entire time), or meeting you for coffee in a bookstore where you will be catching up on some reading on a Sunday afternoon.

So what if neither of these happens or she doesn't respond? Then do nothing, and see if you run into her at another happy hour. What about on the "date"? DO NOT mention anything about her "other situation", and if she brings it up, just ignore it like it's not important at all. If there's no ring, she's still single: have fun with her, be flirty, get to know her better, and amplify the chemistry as much as possible. Make sure you're the one who calls it a night first. I would also suggest letting her make the first noises about, "Doing something again sometime."

Now for the complex long-term part of it. She definitely sounds like she's worth pursuing, but you have to be very careful about it. WARNING: Do not even think about getting emotionally attached to this girl until you've been dating her exclusively for at least a month. Assuming you can resume "dating-like" outings with her, and things continue to go well, you've got a good shot at success here.

Phase-5 relationships are always tricky, and the fact that she even told you about it indicates it's one of the more semi-serious varieties. On the upside, at least she's honest with you. The part you need to figure out, without actually mentioning it to her, is what's actually going on with her and this other guy. People get into Phase-5 relationships for all sorts of reasons, not all of which are bad or that should really concern you...hell, I'm even in one now!

Let's use mine as a comparison example. Why am I in it? Well, she went back on her medication for one thing. We had a lot of fun together when we were dating, the sex was incredible, and in this backwater town, neither of us really have any better options. We know we're not going to end up married one day, but for the time being we're content with the companionship and affection. We also have the freedom of not being in a "real" relationship--we take trips, etc, and do what we want without feeling the need to inform/ask the other one.

So how is this different from Melissa's? Well, for one thing she didn't give you the digits. This could mean several things: she's actually not as into you as you thought, that she's actually pretty serious with the other guy, that she spends a lot of time with the other guy and doesn't want to explain the phone calls, or possibly that she's just playing hard to get. Obviously Ms. Five and I don't talk about dating other people, but I don't think twice about exchanging phone numbers with a girl that I might be interested in dating.

My intuitive guess here is that Melissa's Mr. 5 is a bit more serious than she lets on, but a situation she also knows isn't going to eventually work out for her in the long term. She's open to being snatched away, but is only going to really break it off and walk if she's got a "sure thing" waiting in the wings.

How do you play this long term? You have to resume the "friendship with flirtation", and both see her on a somewhat regular basis and ramp up and amplify the chemistry and attraction. Make her think she's really missing out by not being with you. At some point, she needs to be reciprocating the pursuit and chasing you. Let her, give her the opportunity to do so. You will also have to break down the physical barrier--the difference between "just friends" and romance is whether or not there's a physical component to your relationship. In this case it doesn't have to be--and probably shouldn't be--all that many "bases", but you've got to get at least to kissing, snuggling, and some suggestive backrubs. And leave her wanting more. This will further lead to destabilizing her Phase-5 thing, and make her ready to leave it for you, her "sure thing". You hasten this by using the subtle ultimatum of "I'm dating other people and not waiting for you to figure out what you want--I don't have time for that." Do not ever actually say this to her, but let her know that you're spending time with other women without her, on a regular basis, because she's got some other guy-thing going on. And do so.

**I'd like to make this more of a regular feature. Feel free to email me your questions regarding life, women, dating, drinking, strip clubs, etc., or post them in the comments.**

Sunday, March 27, 2005

If you think I'm going to Hell for this, you obviously don't know me very well. ;)

Saturday, March 26, 2005

Surreal: Zoom Quilt

This is going to be interesting to play with again later when I've gotten back from drinking.

Drinking Motivation: Planning

Friday, March 25, 2005

So I Got Drunk With A British Intelligence Agent Tonight

So since it's Purim, and the end of Holy Drinking Days, I randomly ended up getting drunk downtown with a member of British Intelligence who's spent the last two years in Iraq. He was here in town on holiday. Naturally, I took the opportunity to question him somewhat, in between other activities.* I can absolutely vouch for him, as he managed to buy us another round after the bar was closed at Last Call!

While we were drinking, I tried to feel him out on various issues with the War, etc, and get some ideas from an operative who was over there.

-WMD's in Lebanon- ' Complete bollocks. I spent two years looking for WMD's, and there isn't shite. Lebanon has nothing.' We did agree, however, that they had some really hot protest-girls.

-What are the average Arabs like? 'They're just blokes trying to make a buck. The one's I've met in camp are great people. Right after we rolled in, everything you could want was a dollar. Now, it's twenty, but everything's still cheaper than anywhere else [in the world].'

-Bush/Blair, etc: 'We should've gone in ten years ago.' On the actual conduct of the current conflict: 'Fail to plan, plan to fail.' On the whole, though, positive about the effort, if not the specific details.

-Religion: I floated the Jewish holiday angle. Turns out he's completely irreligious, and could give a f*ck what the Christians, Jews, Muslims, or anyone thinks about any kind of afterlife. 'I'll pick one when I'm dead, and see what happens.' I was testing the whole British anti-Semitism angle, but it turns out, he really doesn't care about any religions.

*Those activities would involve women, especially one "Holly" who was hanging out with us, and wearing one of those "negligee" shirts over jeans. Let us just say that, while her "tracts of land" may not have been large, they were especially 'scenic'.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Happy Purim!

From Aish, "How many Jews does it take to change a lightbulb?"
Cute, but still funny :).

The Temple of the Holy Spirits (and Tequila) will be finishing off Holy Drinking Days pretty much the same way we started them--at the Irish pub downtown. Only without a laptop. Was planning on making it a light night, but remembered Purim actually starts tonight!!!

Can't do too much damage, though, as I have a garage sale with Crystal in the morning, as preparations grow more urgent for departing to the Land of Milk and Honey--aka Austin. On the other hand, there are signs that I may have completely jinxed myself and will be royally fucked with neither reach-around nor lubrication.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Terri's Feeding Tube on eBay

This is just so totally, completely, and utterly wrong.

Monday, March 21, 2005

Naked Boy: A Small World in N'Awlins

Naked Boy writes in:

This is a small world New Orleans last weekend I was out by the pool, and this chick with a really hot body was lying down nearby. She was lying face down so I didn't see her face. The next day, I met this girl in the elevator and said hi, I didn't know if it was the same girl or not. So then I was out on St. Patty's day...I was with this guy Mike that was in town for one night. He was here to do an upgrade to our computer system at work. I had hung out w/ him before on several occassions and he is a pretty cool guy and can hang. We went to a big St. Patty's Day block party and met up with a bunch of people including Shelley. [NB's 50 year-old girlfriend.* He's 29. -ed.] During this time, I think I saw almost everybody I've ever hooked up with in N.O. The rest of them go home, but Mike and I go out the Quarter. He was here for only one night so this was pretty mandatory. We wound up going to first the Alibi ( I know that is ususally the finishing point, but WTF ) [the Alibi is a place that only starts getting good at 4 a.m., when the strippers get off work and start showing up there. I have kept drinking there well past dawn on several occasions. -ed. ] ...then went to Bourbon St Blues Co for 3 for 1 upstairs. So, I see this girl there that's pretty hot and look in her direction for a second. This guy comes up to me and tells me stop looking at his girlfriend. After giving him a look, he starts laughing and tells me he was just fucking with me, and that was just one of his good friends-then he introduces me to her, so we start talking. She goes to the bathroom and this guy Chris starts telling me that I should go out with her b/c her family has a lot of money and her parents bought her a place at Lake Marina Tower...turns out she lives in my building AND is the girl that was by the pool! After that we all went to Rick's and saw some boobies. So, I give her a call and talk to her a little bit tonight. This is something that could definitely be interesting. Also, she is probably around 25 or so.

Me: ...and that's it?

Naked Boy: So far. It's just a small world story. Plus, I have to be careful about 50 the yr/old girlfriend. *

*What, you thought I was kidding?????

Saturday, March 19, 2005

St. Patty's Aftermath

Finally sober enough to post the adventures and aftermath of March 17th. When St. Patty's is on a Thursday, it makes for a looooooong weekend! Well, I got home safe, and with a few new numbers in the cell phone.

One of the numbers, it turns out, is from a "fat friend" that I apparently met several weeks ago. I started getting text messages from a girl on Friday night, and was wondering both who she was, and why I'd gotten her number the night before without remembering actually talking to her first. Then she told me about her friend Melissa, whom I very well did remember. I was at Cassidy's, and started a conversation with this very attractive girl on the corner of the bar: her name was Melissa, and she was wearing a low cut blouse revealing truly ample and beautiful cleavage, had perfect features, and lovely auburn tresses. Oh, and a fat friend. We chatted for nearly an hour, but I split when Melissa said the "B" word--I have no time for those sort of things down here.

But that was later in the evening...earlier, I'd left the Irish pub to try and hit a concert down the street, but it was sold out. While grabbing a beer there anyway, I ran into Calli of Cheetah's and her roommate (a waitress there). We hung out and had a great time for awhile, until Calli got a phone call and disappeared crying about an hour later. Back to the Irish pub!

After that, shots of Jamesons started flowing and things get very hazy.

Casualties: Countless braincells, half a liver, and my laptop. When I woke up Friday noon, my laptop was completely and utterly dead. All attempts to revive it were useless. It's since been sent to Best Buy, where my service contract damn well better get me a new one.

I Took the Alkie's Test...

Congratulations! You're 113 proof, with specific scores in beer (60) , wine (100), and liquor (113).
Screw all that namby-pamby chick stuff, you're going straight for the bottle and a shot glass! It'll take more than a few shots of Wild Turkey or 99 Bananas before you start seeing pink elephants. You know how to handle your alcohol, and yourself at parties.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 20% on proof
You scored higher than 86% on beer index
You scored higher than 94% on wine index
You scored higher than 95% on liquor index
OK, so need to go study some of my Hard Liquor facts....will do this while drinking more.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Happy St. Patty's Day!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!!!

Patrons, Rejoice! Holy Drinking Days are upon us!

Monday, March 14, 2005

Temple of the Holy Spirits (and Tequila) Holy Drinking Days


Holy Drinking Days are upon us!

The Temple of the Holy Spirits (and Tequila) 's Holy Drinking Days are celebrated from St. Patty's Day to Purim, March 17th to whenever before/after. This year, the Holy Drinking Days are from March 17th (this Thursday, also our normal Holy Drinking Day) until March 25th (Purim).

For those that don't know, Purim is a Jewish holiday (aka the Feast of Esther) that is properly celebrated by getting roaringly drunk. Really. I found this out in college, and have been celebrating it ever since!

You may properly observe the Holy Drinking Days by frequenting any establishment(s) that will still serve you.

Strange Bartender Relations

Here's my strange story from this evening...file this under "This Town Is Too Small!"

On the way back from a friend's house (who, naturally, also happens to be one of my bartenders), I stopped at the Q-Pub. This place attracts a really older crowd, but is quiet and relaxed, and there's still the chance I could hook up with Cynthia my favorite bartender. Well Cynthia wasn't working tonight, but I had a beer anyway while I was figuring out what to do with the rest of the evening--it is Spring Break down here, after all.

Was overhearing the barmaid's conversation with another gentleman--it turns out she's the mother of Bridgett, the hot red head that works at my Irish bar! And her niece is this girl named Miranda, who used to be a stripper at the Cheetah club!

Guess it's a family trade.

Wedding Reception Gangbang Rape Intervention

Well, this title should turn up some interesting search referrals...

So my friend Robyn was back in town this weekend for her sister's wedding, and I got drafted as the safety date. The selling point was the two greatest and most dangerous words in the English language: Open Bar. No problem, her family is kinda fun, though she is for several reasons un-dateable. We got to the reception, and one of her uncles started in with the "family shots", so before the bride has even shown up for dinner, most of the crew is on their way to being completely wasted. Again, par for the course.

Here's where it got weird. Her cousin "Maria" is 13 years old and well on her way to being a complete knock-out. The story/intervention as I heard it was that she'd run away from home two weeks before, and turned up beaten and had been gangraped by four different guys, the leader of which was 17 and had a tatoo saying "Never Satisfied" across his chest. This was the second time she'd run away. Unfortunately, the entire evening devolved into Robyn "intervening" with her cousin and me having to hear this story-verbatim-at least a dozen times. It's worth noting that certain aspects of the story are suspect, but that it's probable "Maria" is running with a Mexican gang called "CC Mob" and may be in to drugs already.

And this is a nice (if alcoholic) family with a big house out on the Island.

As it devolved naturally, the evening ended up with some people possibly mad at each other, with Robyn and her cute cousin Jennifer (that I failed to hook up with due solely to her being completely plastered since 7pm) being forced into a cab and driven home around 11pm.

It ended up being strange enough that I had to continue on downtown (hey, the suit was ruined already) to get a Guinness and get away from it all.

Friday, March 11, 2005

Booby Cursor

Highly entertaining (if you're a guy), but probably not a good idea to click this link if you're at work right now. (NSFW)

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Something Is Seriously Wrong With The Universe

This site is certified 82% GOOD by the Gematriculator

Drunk Mexican Near-Bar Fight II

I'm really getting sick of this shit, although tonight's encounter was more amusing than the last one. So I have a couple of beers over at Crystal's, and am kicked into Drinking Time as I left her place. Naturally, all productivity is lost, but it's still early, so I go to the Martini Bar on my way home...the good Tuesday place in the drinking rotation.

After making friends with the guys next to me, I am simply sipping my beer and checking out the scenery. Next thing I know, I've got a drunk Mexican with his finger in my face going, "Do I know you???" No, you don't. If you don't have breasts and aren't buying me drinks, then expect no attention from me at the bar. So apparently this dude was pissed about something and wouldn't let it go, because I simply look like someone that pissed him off.

As the night goes on and another beer later, it turns out that what had happened was that the guy in my face actually pissed on some other guy's boots in the bathroom, and then was somehow affronted when the pissee was not happy about this. Naturally, the drunk Mexican did not think to check that I was not, indeed, wearing boots.

They ended up buying me drinks, and I didn't have to rip anyone's ear off and do lots of paperwork. So it turned out OK.

[as for the first incident...some dude got pissed off because I set my beer down on a table while sending a text message and lighting a smoky treat. Really, that was it. The table was near empty at the time. Then he took offense when I told him he was psychotic and asked his sister, who had just bummed a smoke, "Shouldn't he be back in his cage by now?" She laughed.]

Tekillya is NOT your friend!

Man Dies After Winning Tequila Shot Contest

SANTO DOMINGO, Dominican Republic — One person is dead and three are gravely ill following a tequila drinking competition in Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic. The winner of the contest died. Officials say Ricardo Ivan Garcia — who was 21 — drank more than 50 shots of tequila Sunday night at a disco. The prize was ten-thousand pesos — about 330 dollars. A prosecutor says the man died of
apparent heart failure brought on by alcohol poisoning. Three other contestants
remain in serious condition in the hospital.

When it comes to tequila, there are no winners. Only victims and innocent bystanders.

Monday, March 07, 2005

Drinking Quote of the Day

"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors...and miss."
-Robert A. Heinlein

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Haiku For An Ugly Girl

If G-d really loved
you, why didn't He give you
a much better face?

--courtesy of Bill, my Druish* bartender.

*Yes, he's actually a Druid priest. Naturally that's not a full-time profession, and he's bartending while finishing his degree.

Friday, March 04, 2005

Scenes from Last Weekend/Failing to Escape Strippers

  • Vandalism re-vandalized "Go to hell, asshole!" ...Rev. Lick adds "I'm already there, fuckwit!"
  • In a college dive bar 'Dude, why is there a green bean in the sink?"
  • Flirted heavily with a girl who turned out to be a local politician's daughter...not sure which party or office, but down here they're all completely crooked and in someone's pocket--when they're not busy getting in mine. Cute and interesting, but was wearing a low-cut blouse which revealed her full-chest tatoo. Eww.
  • OK, this was actually last night, but I can't seem to get away from the strippers. Last week I ran into two at Target, of all places. And last night, I started busting on the annoying girl at the bar next to me. She is proud of the fact that she works at The Party Place, which, as strip clubs go, is the kind of place where you go to get in the mood to pick up a crack whore. Oh, and the bar I was at...third nicest place in town.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Happy Texas Independence Day!

On March 2nd, 1836, Texas declared it's independence from Mexico.

Tonight: Shiner Bock in celebration.

Gotta find me one of those waving-flag thingies.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Taped on my fridge

Welcome to my world.
(Click on the picture to see it clearly)

Suckered by Personals Email, Rev. Lick Calls Guy

It was

Yeah, I have ads up on several personals sites--Match, Yahoo, eHarmony, etc. It's a completely passive way to meet women, with zero effort on my part most of the time. You also get to find out a lot of "screening" information about the other person that you wouldn't know after meeting for 5 mins in a bar...have they been married? kids? age? degree status? smoking habits? religion? etc. Since I'm also a cheap bastard who likes to scam the system, I have my "username" rigged up to be the same ID as a very common email/IM account. So getting a personals-response email there would not be surprising, and I don't really use it for anything else.

For the first time in weeks, I checked it today, and there was a very nice email from "Janie", asking if I'd gotten the email she'd sent me off Match, telling me she'd just moved to Corpus Christi, and inluding a link to her profile on another personals site as well as a phone number. Something like this has happened before, although it's rare. The kicker: the email came in on my birthday.

So I checked the site, saw her pic, and she was smokin' hot. I checked her email domain, and it was a legit free-email service. Unfortunately, there were eight digits in the phone number, but the last one looked like a typo. I typed it into, and it came up as a Sprint cell phone from Victoria, TX. Her profile said she was a nursing student, and there is a nursing school there. It's all checking out...!

I called the number, the voice mail picked up, but the outgoing message was the default computerized "this is" phone number. So I left a message identifying myself as "that guy from the personals you emailed, etc." Not two minutes later, the phone rings, and it's that number.

I pick up and hear...a guy's voice: "I just got a call from this number?".
"Wrong number!!" CLICK!

So I sent the short email I was replying to "Janie" with, and got an instantaneous auto-response telling me to email her guessed it...that other personals web site.

Anyway, I did a little more looking, and the other site is a complete scam. They're charging exorbitant rates, have very few people signed up, and are now obviously resorting to trolling the other sites trying to find suckers who will pay to contact their faux-femmes.

But if you want to see what lured me in, the homepage is:
When you get there, type in "her" member number into the "locate" box: 3042473

Just don't let your credit card near the computer, or bother to log-in out of curiosity. I did that for you: the profiles of fugly girls are real, and the ones of cute girls are almost entirely faked. Badly.