Rev. Lick Recommends:

Toad Hollow Cacophany, Zinfandel

Had a bottle of this shortly before I left for my trip, and it is quite excellent. A nice, dark, rich Zinfandel. For the quality, it's quite reasonable at about $13/bottle. I've heard very good things about Toad Hollow's other wines, but the other reds are generally in the $18-$22 range.

Merry Christmas/ Happy Post-Hanukkah + Lite Posting

Merry ChristmaHannukaKwanzikaa everyone!

I hope everyone is thoroughly enjoying the Winter Solstice holiday of their choice.

Blogging during this time period, if you haven't already guessed, will be pretty light due to family/friend obligations. I will come back with more of my completely fucked up stories, though ;).

Several posts below have been updated, including the Spurning Whore post.

For those concerned with my social life, here is the general rundown:

Heather, from eHarmony: Great first meeting, dinner tomorrow night. She could be a keeper.

Michelle in Austin: Did not survive First Contact, erased her info. We'll see if she contacts me later.

Xelena: Never called me back, screw it. I'll see her in the club, if I show up.

Erin: No word yet, will call her sometime after New Years if I haven't heard otherwise. Let her miss me for awhile.

Sarah: Disappeared. She'll either call me or not, meanwhile I'm NOT waiting.

ETC: Nicole-If I can sober up soon enough tomorrow, might try her restaurant. Aside from that, no other girls I really care enough about playing with to really screw with my leaving-plans. Maybe I'll get bored on the road and make some points on the cell ;).

Rev. Lick 99.7%* Compatible With...

...a woman who lives in a van, down by the river!

*This was an eHarmony match-up. At least the river is in Austin.

Last Weekend Update: Miranda Lambert & Marilyn Manson

Last Friday: Walk into club, pleasantly surprised to find Miranda Lambert playing:

Getting an autographed CD. Unfortunately, the staff wouldn't let her drink with us.

The next night, I caught Marilyn Manson. Talk about your extremes. He does put on a good show, though.

UPDATE: At the MM concert, there were actually more bartenders there than people old enough to actually drink! First time in this venue that I haven't had to wait on a beer, at all ;).

Most Pathetic Display: A 40+ fat woman holding a sign for Marilyn that said "Can I Have A Hug?"

No, you can not. But your daughter may be eligible to suck some cock, if she is hot.

The HeisenBlog Uncertainty Principle

My philosophical conundrum after officially being a blogger for a good 3 weeks now:

Is my life really this fucked up normally? Or, since starting this blog, have I subconsicously done/instigated/drank things motivated partly out of the desire to have something interesting to post later?

If nothing else, I figure at least my life is a bit more interesting and fun now, although I also notice that I'm not staying home nights when I otherwise probably would.

Random Notes:

Anonymous Commenters: If you won't at least attach a nick to your comment, you are a loser with no balls whatsoever.

Weekend Update: Was interesting and overall, positive. For a change. Included meeting a rising country music star, and seeing Marilyn Manson. (why? for the spectacle and another blog post, of course!)

Rev. Lick Spurns Whore

So last week I met "Kimberly" at Cheetah's. She seemed rather insistent for a dance, and even asked me out to dinner. She's not all that hot, I only tipped her onstage once, and left after I got a closer look. She's got a good body, nice breasts, but is just very plain. Reminds me of one of Kerry's daughters actually. But hey, Final Dayz Rules.

So talked to her on the phone a couple of times, she lives with her parents. We make "dinner plans" for 7pm. She calls me not long after I talked to her to ask if I get text messages, and tells me to text her. I've been around enough to see this one coming, but took the chance anyway. Notes to my readers: If a stripper gives you her number right away, it's highly likely she's a "private escort." If you call that number and her voice mail answers with her "stage name", it's even worse. If you're Rev. Lick, you ignore the warnings and go for the story anyway.

UPDATE: More info, and to refute certain misgivings below. I no longer have any qualms about being too mean to this girl, on the contrary, I don't think I went far enough! This is a chick who has to do 2-for-1 lap dances at a strip club on a Saturday night, when ALL her customers are drunk, just to make cash. On the night I met her, she came up to me after I tipped her on stage and asked for a lap dance. I said no. She then offered to do the rest of the night for $20. This is like a 3- or 4- for 1. Yeah, I went for it then, why not? But if she can't even get a full priced lap dance, this chick is terminally stupid for thinking ANY man will actually pay to go out with her. She deserves abuse.

EVEN MORE FUNNY: I even told my mom a modified version of this story (ie, we met at a regular dance club), and even she thinks this is funny, and that I should write a book.

OH, ONE MORE THING: A few nights ago, I went into the club, and she was there. As soon as she saw me, she put on her "street" clothes and left ;).

Notes: If I'd gotten the yellow text message immediately, I might not have been as harsh, but didn't find that one until I was transcribing for the blog entry. This girl deserved a pimp-slap for being dim enough not to pick up on the fact that I wasn't that kind of caller.

Whore: [I hope that u can get this. If u do expect something after dinner I do private shows for 25o an hour and a dinner date is the same price so if you still wi] sh to take me to dinner it will be 25o.
Me: What are you talking about? Did you mean $250? [At this point, my suspicions are confirmed, but decide to press ahead for the sheer entertainment value, and because she's annoyed me. If she'd told me what she was right away, then all she would have gotten was a simple "No thanks", and I wouldn't have wasted my time. That, and this girl has no business charging $250 for anything. I may like sluts, but no fucking way I'll pay a whore.]
Whore: Yes. Is that a problem?
Me: What's in it for me?
Whore: We can skip dinner and go to ur room for a private show.
Me: What's different from the club?
Whore: All nude and full contact.
Whore: And if ur nice maybe some fooling around
Me: $250 for a maybe?
Whore: Yes, answer is yes.
Whore: So what do u say?
Me: Sweetie, you're not cute enough for me to spend even $50 on a real date.
Whore: Are u serious!? That's harsh.
Me: Do your parents know you're a whore?
Whore: I'm not a whore I'm a private escort so with that said leave me the fuck alone. Goodnite.

In retrospect, this was probably not a smart thing to do. Good thing I'm not planning to go to her club anytime in the near future! Half-assed attempt at Damage Control:

Me: Good luck with that, but I have no need for an 'escort'.
Whore: Please leave me alone.
Me: Don't worry, I won't, and if I see you in the club I'll be nice.
Whore: Leave me alone.

Also a good thing that she doesn't know where I live.

Loser Engineer Takes Home Homeless Chick

So, since it was Thursday, went to my Irish pub downtown for a pint of Guinness. I'd been standing at the bar for about 30 seconds, watching Dane The Bartender talking to some guy, and was getting impatient, "Stop talking to that guy and start pouring my beer, already, dammit!!!"

So I wander into the conversation, which is Loser Engineer, a guy who's single and about 40, and Dane talking about one of those trick-problems. Loser Engineer has succeeded in completely counfounding Dane. I solve the problem immediately, but Loser Engineer keeps going on about it and won't listen or provide his own solution. Even worse, it's sort of a math/dollars thing.

Sitting next to Loser Engineer is Mia the Homeless Chick. She wanders into the bar whenever Dane's working, but orders nothing. Loser Engineer was buying her O'Douls. Last I saw her was about a month ago, when Dane gave her a ride at 4am to the homeless shelter.

I was about annoyed and out of entertainment, but decided to order another beer anyway. About this time, Loser Engineer pays his considerable tab, and walks out...with Homeless Chick!

Last seen: walking across the street holding hands. Awww, isn't Loser Love sweet?

LIFE UPDATE: So continued drinking, found out I was not actually banned from the bar I puked in, ran into the Cheetah's door girl bartending at yet another bar, and eventually departed for Cheetah's...again.

This time, I got picked up. "Baby" aka "Kimberly" actually offers me a 2-for-1, and proceeds to ask me out to dinner in the middle of it. What is it with me and strippers??? She's OK, but been blowing her off everytime I've been in.

In other news, there's a possibility I might actually see Erin again now that she's gotten her move mostly straightened out, Xelena's cell phone is back in service, and Sarah The Stripper's is out.

Then I woke up at 1:45pm. Missed my boss's going away luncheon by about 3 hours. I suck.

Random Urinal Conversations

Random Dude: I hate that crazy bitch!!
Me: Could you be more specific?
RD: My second babymomma!
Me: [there's gotta be an Eject handle around here somewhere...]

Which reminds me of another one awhile back:

Dude from Out of Town: [who was also affecting stupid looking glasses as a schtick] Man, I can't seem to get these girls to open up, how do you get in with them?
Me: Try, 'How many kids you got?'
DFOOT: You're kidding, right?
Me: [Uncontrollable derisive laughter]

Thought I was going to be impaired by sobriety tonight, but found something mildly entertaining anyway ;).

Target report: Erin cancelled (again) for work and received sarcastic text message, Xelena is still out of contact, and left a message with Brianna. Will try that one again tomorrow (at precisely 1:13pm), at least. I have a feeling that that one could be talking to friends who would say, "You can't go out with a guy you met at a strip club!" despite the fact that she was the stripper!

In other news, Apt. 13 has voted me "Most Fucked Up Life", and this includes the fact that Naked Boy is dating a woman who was a freshman...when his mom was a senior. In high school.

Zero-for-4, or About Average, Yet...Success!

You remember Three's Company, the 70s/80s sitcom, and how it was such a huge scandal for one of them to have made two dates for the same time? (At which point hilarity ensued.) Well, Corpus is like that, only without the comedy. This town is all flake, all the time. I've made as many as 3 dates, without cancelling any of them, only to have them all fail and resort to a back up plan. Tonight wasn't that bad, but interesting nonetheless.

Had tentative plans to tonight with Xelena, a stripper from The Palace. Got her new digits Sun night. Called her this afternoon, and got the message "This subscribers phone is temporarily out of service." Hasn't paid her cell phone bill. Dammit! And a call later confirmed she wasn't working tonight. For those without sufficient experience, no, this wasn't a fake number. Girls in the "Real World" give out fake digits in order to 1) get you to go away, or 2) out of some sense of "being polite", etc. Strippers don't, if they don't want to give them up, they just tell you to come back into the club next time they're working. Now, their actual intentions may be a different story ;).

The upside of this was that it obviated the question of 'Where do I take an underage girl out on a Tuesday night?' Also, I have "duty" tomorrow, which is a severe inconvenience. I have to be at work at 0730 Wed. and Thurs to pick-up and drop off the "duty phone". And lock up the building at 7pm tomorrow night. And stay sober.

But I had a good nap, so time for backup plans:

-Tosha: lives nearby, solid 3.9, bonus points for an incredible rack. Haven't really dated her yet, but trying. She's a bartender, works Wed-Sat, so thought this might be possible. Didn't answer.

-Julie: worthy of a story on here, but a nice girl and easy lay. Also no answer. Got points for trying ;).

-Erin: still trying for date #2, tentative for tomorrow night. We'll see...

-Sarah The Stripper: AWOL. Figure she's in another town raising cash, possibly without her cell phone. Hadn't tried in a week or so, figured what the hell?

So the plan: it's $5 lap dance night at Cheetah's, and then there's Bobbarubas. Bobbaruba's is a nearby over/under dance club that's kinda cool, and only really open on Tuesday nights. Sarah's been known to be there, figured there was a good chance of maybe catching Xelena, also. I can't drink much, but no matter.

SUCCESS!...managed to park and get in to Cheetah's. As you might imagine, $5/dance night fills the place. As soon as I got in, found the last table, sat down, and in a rare bout of "niceness" I let this guy take the other chair. He turns out to be Broke Sketchy Loser, but at least he can watch my beer. Doesn't matter, because 30 seconds later Brianna comes by. We move to couches in the back.

WOW. She's a solid 4.5+. Perfect body, no tattoos, turns out she lives in Virginia and is here on vacation visiting family. Has a real job, using the club to pay for the vacation and Christmas. She also turns 21 at midnight. I get to buy her her first legal drink, and then her first legal shot. This is in between about $20 worth of "fun"...and damn, the girl's got skills. Decide about 0030 it's time to call the game. The pretext was easy, the fun part was watching her defenses crumble so quickly and easily to a textbook-offense:

Me: We should take you out on a bar crawl now that you're legal, it'll be fun. Surrender your digits!
Her: But I'm only in town until Christmas, have family/friends/blah...
Me: Cutting her off, 'Doesn't matter, I'm moving soon also. We might as well have some fun now.' This is a nice piece of verbal ju-jitsu, as now not only is her argument cancelled, but there is implied the added future-possibility of me being flexible to relocate.
Her: Well...that does sound like fun, and there are movies I want to see but won't go alone...
Me: Good choices, me too, lets go. She's unlocking her own doors now.
Her: But you need to know I have a long-term boyfriend, so don't expect anything, and have birthday stuff to do all Wednesday...
Me: 'Don't worry/whatever', as I completely ignore the boyfriend ploy, 'I've got plans Wed. too' And now for the coup de grace, 'That blonde waitress? That's my friend Megan, we hang out. Ask her, she'll tell you I'm not some pathetic loser.'
Her: She melts instantly, cutting me off, 'But Thursday or Friday would be great! Do you have card...etc.'

She threw open the door, and completely crumbled. Now let's see what sort of magic I can work on her in the real world ;). I don't usually do this, but since there's only about 2 weeks to play with, plan on giving her the Impressive Date. This could get out of hand in any of several ways...I get the feeling she's genuine, but something doesn't feel completely right about her cover story. Like that's ever stopped me before ;).

Tonight's Trouble: Attempting Erin, with a later visit to Xelena if she's working and her phone's not back on by then.

This is hardly surprising...

You Are a "Don't Tread On Me" Libertarian

You distrust the government, are fiercely independent, and don't belong in either party. Religion and politics should never mix, in your opinion... and you feel opressed by both. You don't want the government to cramp your self made style. Or anyone else's for that matter. You're proud to say that you're pro-choice on absolutely everything!

What political persuasion are you?

You know you're a "regular" when...

...the owner of the bar personally invites you to their Christmas party. Which would be tomorrow. Fortunately for me, this isn't a problem.

In other news, after the bar above, I headed to The Palace, to see Xelena, a stripper-possibility I haven't seen in a few months. Mmm...good. Suffice it to say, I have her new number, and we have plans for Tuesday.

In another random observation, it's a complete traveshamockery that at this point in my stay here, that I consider plans with a stripper to have a greater chance of actually happening, than making plans with a girl I met in the "Real World".

Far past time for me to move: tomorrow, Job Search!

Random Observations Before Puking

• Why the fuck would you bring a 4-year old to a bar? What were you thinking? In a dress like that, you're sure as hell aren't dating anyone in the band. Bad mother, bad!
• Exactly how much of a pussy do you have to be to show up to a club dressed in a floral print shirt that is exactly the same as your girlfriend's dress? Do the world a favor and donate what's left of your balls to someone who will actually use them.
• If you're a fat, ugly chick, don't even think that I will jeopardize my bar-space by letting you in to get a drink. BTW, that "Diet" rum & coke you ordered? Not helping. At least make it a "call" drink and act like you have some semblance of taste.

So, not much to speak of in the "adventure" department. Dropped by the Q-Pub and scored some points with Cynthia. At the 21 Club, I did run into Kristen, and running into her alone salvages the entire evening, which seemed doomed from the start due to a lack of Mojo. Kristen is a 4.5 minimum. I left at the appropriate time, strategy-wise. Also, to look for more prospects ;). I can always call Kristen later.

Here's the weird part. So, aside from tactics with Kristen, I left to check out a new bar downtown. It was overall dead, overpriced beers, but a good band. While checking it out, I passed the "last call" point of being able to go anywhere else. So I had another beer, and made extreme friends with the barmaid ;). Finally "broke the seal" somewhere around 0145. So, as we're getting kicked out, I go to the bathroom for a final stop. For no reason whatsover, I end up puking all over the place. As I'm about to take a piss, I end up puking in the urinal, then the floor, and finally in the toilet...repeatedly. Then I go back to take a piss, somebody else walks in, and I blame it all on someone else ;). Granted, I'd had a number of beers, but nothing puke-inducing. Maybe it was the attempt at testing "Chaser" again. I'd think about feeling bad, but this bar's fucked up management was charging $4.50 for a draft. This is more than the fucking strip clubs. Fuck yeah, they can clean up my mess after that!

Chaser Test + Night of Frustration

DISCLAIMER: For all of my "Anonymous" readers, or those (few) who don't personally know me: Don't take much of this seriously. Yes, this is my actual life, and actual experiences, and I do reserve the right to take an *extremely* small amount of storytelling-license in the reporting of said life, but you must understand that at this point I really don't take much or any of this shit seriously. It just doesn't affect me, although it might make for some interesting reading ;). Also, I'm not setting out to "hurt" anyone with my Final Dayz Rules, I just aim to have as much fun as humanly possible without doing anyone any extraneous damage :).

Not quite sure how to tell this one, other than that I set out with great ambitions, and on the whole, failed miserably. At least for now. But I did succeed in drinking a lot, so here goes:

1655 - Arrive home from base, and wasting most of my week in Nowhere, Mississippi.
1730- Make plans for Twong's Bachelor Party, in Montreal. This will rock!!!!!
1930- Awake from nap, order Double Daves, begin evening preparations.
1936- Call Gorgeous Erin, supposing she's at work. Sadly disappointed. Now, after a phenomenal first date, it has now been a month and a day, and we still haven't had Date #2. Granted, about 2.5 weeks of this was for each of us being out of town. There were also two failed attempts at drinks, etc., which largely fell through on her end. By Corpus Standards, she's actually OK because she at least answers the phone, or calls me back, and explains why after. However, I find out tonight that she's had an accidental fall, resulting in lots of tendon damage to ankle/knee. This is not good. Volunteered to help her with more moving tomorrow (Sat), but we'll see if I hear anything. Decide to make most of rest of evening, and return heavily to Search Mode as currently trying to date Erin really isn't going anywhere. This does actually really annoy me, as Erin has Serious Dating Potential.
1943- Try more phone calls, formulate Plan. Focus is on Generating Possibilities and Meeting Women.
2234- Finally leave house, after much delays, including making myself presentable. Stop at convenience store for cigs, cash, and Lottery Scratch-Off tickets*
2255- Arrive Q-Pub, to hopefully see Cynthia The Bartender. She's 35, blonde, fun to talk to, and has absolutely incredible breasts. We've talked of dinner as we have the same favorite restaurant. Unfortunately, she's not there. Have one beer(Shiner), move on. Take first two Chaser tablets. If you're unaware of this product, it's advertised in Walgreen's as being a hangover cure.
2313- Arrive at Pleasures Gentleman's Club. Reason for being here is that it's one of the better B-clubs in Corpus, and it's very near to where Sarah The Stripper lives. Or did, a couple of weeks ago. Here's the update on Sarah-last I called, yes the Lesbo-Bitch and gotten involved, Sarah had called CPS on one of the girls from her club the last time she was at work, and thus couldn't go back, and I was supposed to take her along with me over Thanksgiving and drop her in San Antonio or Austin. Couldn't reach her for the pickup, left without her. No other choice. No news since then, and she hasn't been at any clubs that I know of. Since Pleasures is basically walking distance from her last known residence, and I couldn't get any info from a phone call, I went there. My mission was to find out about Sarah, and hopefully avoid Blondie. Well, as it tunrs out I ended up using Blondie to really find out if Sarah had been there, which was a "no". I was hoping to do this easily and cheaply, but no way. This ends up involving 2 Shiners, tequila, and two more shots. Here's the deal on Blondie-she gives about the best damn lapdances I've ever had, which pretty much includes a hand job in there. Her breasts are real, large, and she likes to use them. Overall, in terms of having fun "inside" a club like this, she's A++. I haven't been back due to 1) inability to convert to anything *outside* the club, and 2) it's really, really, freakin' expensive. But she's also a great source of information while I'm fondling her, and offering a "real" birthday party ;). No Sarah, time to move on.
0021- As it happens, Sarah's last known address is about 6 blocks from Pleasures. I do a drive-by. No real info gained. Thought about feeling stupid/pathetic for being a "stalker", except that it's Final Dayz Rules and I really don't give a shit. Time is precious now.
0023- Realize that Sarah may be living no more than 3 blocks from my church. Interesting, yet twisted.
0026- Arrive at Irish bar. Drink one Guinness. Unfortunately, no women available, though I do give my card to one of the old barmaids who's hanging out there. Text message a couple of hotties for attempted rendezvous. Response: I'm sleeping. Damn. I am now an hour and a half, and about $50 behind schedule.
0052-Decide that Search Mode is out for the night, as there's not enough time left in the evening to work any of the clubs.
0057-Arrive Havana Club, no possibilities, don't even bother ordering a beer, walk out.
0103-Arrive Mulligan's, drink one Shiner Hefe-Weizen.
0107-Realize that nothing's going to be happening for me in the real bars tonight.
0113-Depart downtown, aborting the primary mission.
0137-Arrive Cheetah's. This is the #2 strip club in town, which also has the advantages of having cheaper drinks and being more laid-back than #1. It's also all of 6 blocks from my house. Get in free, only bonus of the evening. Drink 3 more Shiners before last call. Came here in attempt to see Lisa, who had talked about moving from dancing to waitressing. That seems to have lasted at most 3 days.
0215-No love for me. Have to keep brushing off girls I'm not interested in, the ones I wanted to see are all busy, and I'm becoming a bit less polite. This wouldn't normally be a problem, but the last 3 Shiners were not a good idea after all. I notice that there is no breakfast buffet. Then I realize that the club is no longer staying open until 3am on the weekends. This is not good.
0245-Arrive home, drink last Shiner in the fridge, and make Captain 'n Coke. Take two more Chaser tabs, am now at approximately 2/3 the recommended dosage.
0307-Send text message to ex-g/f Crystal. The story behind that one is worthy of a post sometime this week. At least it's better than drunk dialing. Return to gambling.
0330- Realize I am far too drunk to continue blogging, pass out.

NOW: Chaser results, not bad. Not sure what my BAC was by 1047am, but after 1/4 cup of coffee, I felt just fine. Cautiously endorsing this product. We'll see how it stacks up later for some mid-week testing. No pain or fatigue, but general post-drinking night "fuzziness" still present.

Time to get cracking on my Internet Garage Sale, and to find out if my "company", Stella, is still going to make it up tomorrow. Much housecleaning needed.


*Yes, I fully realize and agree that playing the Lottery is a voluntary tax on people with poor math skills. However, it 1) satisfies my gambling lust, 2) gives me something to do while drinking at home after a night out, 3) obviates Drunk Dialing, and 4) always gives me a chance to "get lucky". Figure it this way: I buy a lap dance worth of scratch-offs (instead of a lap dance), and usually get at least some, or most of my money back, which I use to continue playing for several more iterations. It's not quite as erotic, but it keeps me out of too much trouble. I really don't care to do away with any of my vices, this is just about "optimizing" them :).

Fuck Me, I'm Dying

This has got to be some sort of record in sheer fucked-uppedness, even by my standards:

So Trisha, the girl from last week, has volunteered her services as an anytime-booty call. Not bad, I was enjoying the advantages of this...this girl actually likes it if I stop by her place for a BJ on the way out--without her.

Then, a few days later, I get these series of long text messages from her, explaining her reasons for moving to Corpus. Specific words involved included "rare", "cancer", "stop", and "treatments".

Translation: I came here to die.

Random Bathroom Graffiti & Chance Encounters

Funny graffiti I saw while driving 1500+ miles in 4 days:

"Jesus Saves! AT WAL MART"

Which reminded me of another one I saw once: "Jesus Saves!...GRETZY SCORES!!!"

So, the weekend itself was almost uneventful, except for an anticlimactic but successful rescue mission that left me in Austin on a Saturday night. Went downtown for a few beers despite my complete exhaustion, just on principle. As I was sitting in Der PimpenWagen getting ready to pull out of my primo parking spot, I saw this girl walking down the street that looked like someone I knew. Took a chance, and yelled her name out the window. Sure enough, it was her! This wouldn't be just any girl, this is the high school cheerleader that I'd had a crush on since about 7th grade. Last I saw her was at the reunion, where she showed up pretty late, and the first chance I actually had to talk to her, within 90 seconds this annoying girl from "my crowd" back in HS, who was desperately trying to fuck me at the reunion, inserted herself into my lap. BITCH!!! So, I dropped her on the floor, but chance was lost. Last I heard, ex-cheerleader was in CO, but we exchanged digits and turns out she's back in TX and trying to get back to Austin also. Hmmm...;). On the downside, her history is about the same as mine ;).