Monday, February 28, 2005

Windex's 5-Phase Relationship Theory

In the interests of preserving Guy Lore, and as it's a critical point to my next post, I present Windex's Theory of Relationship Progression, in five phases.

Phase 1 - Establishment.
This phase covers from first meeting, through the early stages of dating. If you're still hesitant to call her/him whenever you feel like it, you're still in a Phase 1 relationship. Typically this lasts about a month.

Phase 2 - Happy/Honeymoon Period.
You're now definitely "official" and still really excited about it. You begin to relax around each other and get comfortable with the other person being there a lot. This is Months 2-3.

Phase 3 - Stable Relationship.
Somewhere near the end of Month 3 you hit what I call "The Reality Point". This is the point where you've both sufficiently let your guards down, and shown the other person what you're really like on a daily basis, that you can make something of an objective appraisal of who it is you're really dating (as opposed to what you thought when you first met her/him). This is your reality check, to decide whether or how the relationship will progress. A typical Reality Check is when you're having dinner one night, and truly realize, "Dude!...I'm...I'm dating... a vegetarian." If you survive the reality check, congratulations, you're now in a stable relationship. This is usually Months 4+.

Phase 4 - The Break-Up.
Now this is where it really gets interesting! Hello, drama!

Phase 5 - Casual Resumption Of Benefits/Relations, Pseudo-Relationship.
This is the strange post-break up phase, and since all Phase 5 situations vary considerably, it is hard to label it accurately. It usually requires an extended period apart, and both parties dating other people in the interim. Whether or not a relationship will develop into Phase 5 basically depends on both the seriousness of the prior state, and the circumstances of the breakup. If it was a long/serious relationship before, or the breakup was really traumatic for one of the parties, it's highly unlikely you'll ever turn that into a Phase 5. So why do Phase 5's happen? Companionship and sex. Most often this occurs when things between you overall were "good", but just not Right. After a few months back into dating, you're both bored, tired of it, and haven't met anyone quite as interesting/not-annoying as the person you were dating before. So the two of you start hooking up again. Usually it's quite a bit more casual than it was before, and you don't get the frequency of benefits, but it keeps you both content until something better comes along.

Obviously, not everyone progresses through all of the phases, and most attempts never make it past Phase-1. Breakups can be final, or return to Phase-3 rather than proceeding on to Phase-5 at a later date.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Scooby-Doo on Ether-Acid

Check out Iowahawk's lost episode of Scooby Doo, guest starring Hunter S. Thompson.

Put down your drinks first, though.

Friday, February 25, 2005

The Strangeness Continues

"As your attorney, I advise you to start drinking heavily."
"As your attorney, I advise you to take a hit out of the little brown flask in my shaving kit."
-Dr. Gonzo

Wife details family gathering with Hunter S. Thompson dead in chair.

ASPEN — Hunter S. Thompson heard the ice clinking.
The literary champ was sitting in his command post kitchen chair, a piece of blank paper in his
favorite typewriter, dead of a self-inflicted gunshot through the mouth hours earlier. But a small circle of family and friends gathered around with stories, as he wished, with glasses full of his favored elixir — Chivas Regal on ice.

Morbid, but I've heard worse. Me, I want to go out in a flaming barge, Viking-style. That is, if there's more than a Ziploc's worth of me left.

Petting Shroedinger's Cat

That's the metaphor for my life right now: stuck in a box with Schroedinger's Cat. Maybe I'll explain later.

In other news, I invented a new drink tonight: The Black & Texas. It's a Black & Tan, only instead of Bass you use Shiner Bock. It was surpisingly good and smooth.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

She spits...and...Saves???

This is topping out my strange-meter for the day's story. Click on the title or, here for the CNN article. Notable quotes:

Phillips accuses Dr. Sharon Irons of a "calculated, profound personal
betrayal" after their affair six years ago, saying she secretly kept semen after
they had oral sex, then used it to get pregnant.

... the higher court ruled that, if Phillips' story is true, Irons
"deceitfully engaged in sexual acts, which no reasonable person would expect
could result in pregnancy, to use plaintiff's sperm in an unorthodox,
unanticipated manner yielding extreme consequences."

"She asserts that when plaintiff 'delivered' his sperm, it was a gift -- an
absolute and irrevocable transfer of title to property from a donor to a donee,"
the decision said. "There was no agreement that the original deposit would be
returned upon request."

Someone's gotta say it, and that person is usually me: Snowballing.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Who the hell do I think I am? (reply to IMAO)


1. Who the hell do you think you are?
Reverend Lick, founder of the Temple of the Holy Spirits (and Tequila)!

2. So, other than blogging, what's your job? Do you work at some fast food joint, dumbass?
Fly for the Navy, and as soon as I can sell my house, moving to Austin (the land of milk and honey) to be an American Express Financial Advisor.

3. Do you have like any experience in journalism, idiot?
No, but I do have 12 years of experience in drinking a lot and ending up in strange situations. Oh wait, I think I did a stint in the school newspaper in junior high. Although a lot of those braincells did not survive the Great Purge of 1997.

4. Do you even read newspapers?
That's where the funnies are, right?

5. Do you watch any other news than FOX News propaganda, you ignorant fool?
Why would I? They have the hottest anchor chicks.

6. I bet you're some moron talk radio listener too, huh?
Too boring.

7. So, do you get a fax from the GOP each day for what to say, you @#$% Republican parrot?
I only pay attention if it's from "the twins".

8. Why do you and your blogger friends want to silence and fire everyone who disagrees with you, fascist?
Hey, at least we're not picking on the gay kid.

9. Are you completely ignorant of other countries, or do you actually own a passport?
Actually, I've got two. German beer is the best I've ever had. Can't wait to go to Scotland again. Spain has some incredibly gorgeous women. The Greeks makes some good food, and also some frickin' potent moonshine. Ecuador is cheap and fun, Costa Rica is not quite as cheap with much better accomodations, and Puerto Rico sucks ass.

10. Have you even been to another country, you dumb hick?
I make regular visits ot the State of Intoxication, and State of Undress.

11. If you're so keen on the war, why haven't you signed up, chickenhawk?
Been in the Navy 8 years, war is great for business! It keeps Congress giving us cool toys to play with. And kill people.

12. Do you have any idea of the horrors of war? Have you ever reached into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face?
No, we try to avoid vomiting...and usually aim it downward, or at least into the bushes.

13. Have you ever reached into any pile of goo?
After a particularly bad night, I've occasionally woken up in them.

14. Once again, who the hell do you think you are?!
The guy you're buying a drink...Glenlivet, on the rocks. And make it a double.

Rev. Lick Reviews: Constantine

So, after staying up til 4am painting this morning/day/whatever it is, I took a break and went to see Constantine tonight with Crystal. My thoughts as we entered the theater were, "Bring on the disappointment!"

I was pleasantly surprised. Constantine is actually, really, Not Bad. It was worth the price of admission. I've been a Hellblazer fan for well over a decade now, possibly even going on two. I probably have at least a hundred back issues around here that I still haven't tried to sell on eBay. Even at my late age, I've been known to pick up half a dozen back issues, if available, as "reading material", every year or so. So, dear readers, I know what I'm talking about.

Don't get me wrong...this movie is certainly no Spiderman 1 or 2, Daredevil, or The Punisher. (the latest Punisher, of course). Those, however, were what I call "origin" flicks. They deal mainly with the origin of the hero involved, and how that leads them to take on one major bad guy. This is more like X-Men, where things pick up well past the "origin" of the person involved, and there are just allusions to the past while bad things happen all around.

Like every other Hellblazer fan, when I saw the promos for Constantine, I thought 1) Yesssss! and 2) Keanu Fuckin' Reeves..."Ooohhhh, Fuck!" This will suck.

So at this point let me enlighten you on my philosophy of "Things that are turned into movies":
Film and writing are two different things entirely. Everyone always complains about how things are so "much better in the book than in the movie", but they always, always, fail to take into account the difficulty of movie-izing characters from a book, or series, that are well established already. It's a different medium, and while you can transplant the characters, you just can't incorporate all the background in a form that will still be entertaining to a film audience. So when I see a movie of a book or something, I don't look for perfection, or the filmer-director/writer being completely true to the character. I look for them doing the best they can do to tell the/an original story, while making a movie that's actually going to be entertaining and marketable, while not completely offending the original fan base.

This is what I call the acceptance of "Based On". A "based on" movie is different from an "origin" movie in that while an "origin" must be faithful to the original story/medium, a "based on" movie can diverge wildly as long as it's still somewhat faithful to the original characters and intent. And is still an entertaining flick. Good example: The Three Musketeers from several years back, the one with Kiefer Sutherland. If you've read the book, the movie they made had damn near nothing to do with the original storyline, but it still worked. And was fun to watch. Comic example: The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Still a really good film, but nothing like the original stories.

To sum up: An "Origin" movie must be faithful to both the characters and their original context, with minimal changes. (e.g.: Spidey's web shooters being a genetic change vs. mechanical contraptions being a minor, yet wholely acceptable, change for the medium). A "Based On" movie should be faithful to the characters, although may alter the context to present a still-entertaining story. Constantine is definitely a "Based On" flick.

Details and Criticisms: [spoiler alert!!!!]

1) My choice of actor would first fall on the guy that was the hero in"The Full M0nty" or "Trainspotting"...the kid that ran off with all the illicit drug money! I'm pretty sure it was Ewan McGregor, who would be an absolute perfect John Constantine. JC should be British and have the accent, no matter what city. Second, he wasn't smoking Silk Cuts, it was Chinese shit. Third, Keanu wasn't a decent smoker, although he did try, almost convincgly at times. The smoking seemed forced, while it should be a present-yet-unconscious habit.

2) The "gadetry"...this isn't a James Bond flick, or "Van Helsing". Constantine doesn't need much more than chalk to do his stuff. If that.

3) The magic itself, and the background. John Constantine isn't a fucking "suicide", and he didn't start off in the psycho ward as a kid who could see angels and demons. This part of the story was NOT in keeping with the character. It was not necessary to a "based on" movie. Although it did work, in a sense, JC still derived his powers from being a freakin' good Magus. Let him be one. It's only a few minutes of film-work to get him his powers through being a practioner as a kid, to getting a friend killed through his own inadequacies, to daring to go where angels fear to tread. That gets you the "sacrifice" aspect without him having to try and kill himself. Much closer to the original character.

4) "Chas" the flick he's a cast-off sidekick wannabe-apprentice, when in the books he's one of JC's few actual friends. This leads me into a deeper discussion of the fact that John Constantine is an Anti-Hero. The film should be really friggin' DARK. It makes JC into too much of a pure-hero, when he should be the anti-hero you're almost, just almost, rooting against.

5) GOOD POINTS: First, JC was an asshole, and while Keanu didn't make it quite as convincing as Ewan McGregor would have, he was stll an asshole. Second, he got the Devil to cure his lung cancer, and that is a worthwhile sop to one of the best comic storylines I've ever read. It really worked for the movie. Third, Gabriel was nicely androgynous, and the bad one, yet JC didn't take his heart this time. Fourth, the Spear of Destiny really looks like the real one, which is nice...and the historical throwback implied actual research into the subject. They should have made more of it, though.

No longer too drunk to edit, and soliciting your thoughts on the movie, dear reader. Leave comments!

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Paris Hilton Hacked

Because, like a really bad traffic wreck, you just can't help looking...I finally found where all the details of Paris Hilton's hacked cell phone/sidekick are:

Extremely Not Safe For Work!!! Scroll down past the obvious porn to get to the, er, less obvious PH-porn.

My question: Ashley Olson???? Several years ago I recall joking that when the Olson twins finally turned 18, I'd be waiting for their first adult movie: Mary-Kate and Ashley Take It Up the Ass! And now we have evidence that it might actually happen.

Ask Rev. Lick: Orange Pants

That 1 Guy over at Drunken Wisdom asks: Got Advice?

You see a woman wearing... oh, let's say... orange polyester slacks. Very
unflattering. How does one go about letting her know that she really shouldn't
wear them... ever again?

Anwereth the Reverend:

Depends on the situation and how attractive she is. Suggestions:

-Unattractive, passing by on street: Avert eyes, find attractive girl to look at.

-Attractive, passerby: Laugh and point.

-Unattractive acquaintance: snigger audibly behind back, stare at her in perplexion.

-Attractive aquaintance: "Did you lose a bet?" Or, depending on shade and locality, make sports team reference.

-Friend, regardless: Blunt honesty. If attractive, "We need to get you out of those pants as quickly as possible."

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Better Nudity, from the 80s!

To make up for my previous post, here's some much better-namely female-nudity.

Kevin at Wizbang has a vote up, and more importantly easy links to, the Playboy shots of Tiffany and Debbie Gibson. (Deborah? Yeah, whatever.) Debbie Gibson vs. Tiffany
I had to vote Tiffany, but if we check out this Vintage 80's Side-by-Side Pic, it would have to be Debbie all the way. Tiffany may have "implanted" herself in the lead in 2005, but she could never contend in 1985. Or 1987. Or whenever it was.

Flashback: Naked Boy!

In honor of The Day After Valentine's Day, I'm posting this picture-story from precisely eight years ago:

Date: 15 Feb 1997, 6:57 AM Place: Apt. 13, Cornell.

The night before, on Valentine's Day (a Thursday), I went to our fraternity date event with a certified crazy girl who ended up getting plastered, assaulted one of my brothers, attempted hypothermia, and eventually ended up committing various lewd acts with me on one of the couches downstairs in the early hours of the morning. This is not that story.

This did lead to me walking back to our apartment around 6:45 am in order to get showered and make my 8 o'clock class. I noticed that all the lights were on as I approached the building, and thought, "Hm, that's odd." As I walked in, I found the stereo and TV also on. As I took another step into the apartment, I saw the head on the couch and realized, "Ah, Geoff* passed out on the couch." One more step, and I realized "It's Geoff...and he's naked!"

I decided that I had neither enough sleep nor sobriety to deal with this at the moment, so I got in the shower to think about what to do, and hope that Geoff would be gone by the time I got out. He wasn't. So I woke up Twong, and we got the camera. Put the stereo on full blast, and Geoff started stirring. "Good morning, Geoff! How are you feeling? Are you missing anything?" At which point Geoff sat up, looked down, and gave us a thoroughly miserable expression while exclaiming, "Ooohhh, shit!", and ran for his room.

It didn't end there...while Twong was getting ready for our class, I posted a timeline of the event to the listserv, and by the time Geoff made it out the door to classes, everyone knew he'd been found naked on the couch earlier. I'd also posted the pic above at the frat house for a few weeks on the main message board, where everyone saw it. Ironically, it actually boosted his hook-up chances with a few women. I'm finally getting around to my threat to "posting it on the Internet", although about 8 years late.

As for why Geoff was naked on the couch, he'd gone to an anti-Valentine's Day celebration the night before. He went to a wine-and-cheese with some other friends to warm up, and afterwards the three of them put down 7 bottles of wine at Ruloff's. When he got home, he decided to take a shower to sober up. When he got out of the shower, he decided to sit down on the couch and watch the Weather Channel, wearing nothing but a towel. The towel didn't survive the night.

*name changed to protect the naked.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Midget Tossed! (and other drinking updates)

A couple of random drinking stories to catch up on from the last week or so.

Midget Tossed From Murdoch's Bar:

OK, so he wasn't really a midget, but this guy walked in all of 5'-nothing, laid a brass-topped cane on the bar next to me, and attempted to get a beer. Unfortunately for him, he was 1) an asshole, and 2) completely wasted. This guy was probably all of 25, but had no clue what he was doing or how to behave properly in this setting. The barmaid instead gave him a glass of water, and nicely said, "When you finish that, we'll talk about getting you a beer." The barmaid walked off, and I made a nice attempt to tell him what was going on, but he responded with, "I have more money than you and I'll do whatever I want!" Riiiiiight...let's see you get served, pal. Well, he continued to be an asshole, and was promptly thrown out the door...more forcefully after making a feeble attempt to use his cane to take a swipe at a bouncer.

Rev. Lick's Tips for Continuing To Get Served While Smashed:
  1. DON'T just order "a beer"...order a specific beer. Preferably using as few words as possible. Go for "A Bud" and you can usually keep drinking until you lose consciousness.
  2. DON'T argue with or in any way alienate the people serving you drinks. Be nice to your bartenders, always. If you're a regular, befriend them.
  3. If your bartender gives you a glass of water, shut the fuck up and drink it!
  4. If all else fails, have one of your friends get your drinks.
  5. Realize that bartenders can't legally serve people that are obviously drunk, so learn to be nice and fake it.

( Random sidenote: I was once cut off in a bar in New Orleans, of all places. The especially ironic part is that I was completely sober and only going for beer #3)

Minor Humiliates Self By Hitting on Cute Coworker:

So after the free drinking (below), I went to bar a block over, which almost always has a decent crowd. So I bellied up to the corner of the bar, and as I was getting my beer, I was engaged in conversation by an apparent couple. The guy was telling the girl how incredibly hot she was (over, and over, and over...), and then tried to get my opinion in to confirm, "Dude, tell her how hot she is!". "Nah," I said, "she's attractive, but I wouldn't go that far." Much to his shock, the girl agreed with me. This led to an attempt to explain my 5-point scale, and how Jodi, the girl in question (and subject of the annoying gropage) only rated a 4. Well, I come to find out that they're co-workers at a new Chili's that just opened up, and assumed that they'd come out drinking together, at least as friends. Wrong! She'd just met the guy, and some of the crew had come over to Mulligan's for drinks after...and now it's just the two of them, he's got a HUGE crush on her, and she has no choice but to see him at work again. A lot. Oh, and they're both drunk. I am highly amused as this guy is making a complete ass of himself falling at this girl's feet begging her to like him, or at least to even accept a compliment. I am laughing my ass off at his complete lack of game, as he's now backpedaling his way into trying to convince her that he's drunk and will be completely embarassed tomorrow (aka, the Throw Me A Bone gambit). She goes to the bathroom, and he confesses that he's only 16 and snuck in on his brother's ID!

Free Clue: If you're a guy reading this, and you're in high have ZERO chance with a girl over 21. Or even 18 and in college. If you're 16, have "your license", and are somehow "going with" a Senior girl, you are not The Shit. You are merely a nice dump that will be flushed as soon as she gets anywhere near college.

The 30th Festivities:

Believe it or not, utterly tame. After getting no response Friday night, I walked into Cassidy's, my Irish bar. Bill asked how I was, and I responded, "I've been officially old for about seven minutes now." This led to me getting lots of free drinks, and the band/bar singing "Happy Birthday" to me. Not a bad start ;). Saturday night was more of the same, met up with friends who gave me a new (toy) lightsaber, and the drinking continued. No adventures of note, although the late-night pizza place downtown does have great calzones.

Saturday, February 12, 2005

9th Anniversary Of My 21st Birthday

So for those of you who are still sober enough to do the math, I've officially been the big three-zero for about 3 hours now. Which is why I am drinking, and will continue to do so. Heavily. I am officially old.

On the upside, I never expected to survive this long, so Slainte! Na Drowie! L'chaim!

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Kinky For Governor!

AiD is proud to endorse Kinky Friedman for Texas Governor 2006! From the Houston Chronicle:

SAN ANTONIO - Musician, author, jokester and occasional politician Richard "Kinky" Friedman stood before the Alamo on Thursday to officially launch his independent campaign for Texas governor.

"We're gypsies on a pirate ship, and we're setting sail for the Governor's Mansion," said Friedman, who calls himself "The Kinkster." "I'm calling for the unconditional surrender of (Governor) Rick Perry."

At the height of the redneck-rock music era in 1970s Austin, Friedman and his Texas Jewboys became an outrageous hit with audiences nationally. His songs included They Ain't Makin' Jews Like Jesus Anymore and
Get Your Biscuits in the Oven and Your Buns in the Bed.

"The anti-wussification campaign is primarily against political correctness," Friedman said. "It's sad, people are afraid to say Merry Christmas. Particularly me. I'm a Jew."

(Links courtesy of: Tim Blair )

Friday, February 04, 2005

Hilarious Video Clip

After you get back from drinking, check out this freakin' hilarious Romanian lip-syncing dude!

The song apparently is "Dragosta Din Tei" by Ozone.

This is the new Star Wars Kid!

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Wir sind Pimpen: The German Brothel Story

Since this new story made the light a few days ago:

German Gov't: Wir sind deine Pimp!

This is a great time for the German Brothel Story!

So, back in April of '99, courtesy of a Navy training flight, I got to spend 3 days in Munich with my buddy Ratskellar* doing the Beer Drinkers' Tour of Munich. The first night we hit the Hofbrauhaus with the rest of the crew, and discovered something interesting--the biergartens shut down by 11pm. The second interesting thing-German beer doesn't give you hangovers, and you can drink all day and just be pleasantly buzzed instead of falling-down smashed. And the beer is cheaper than water, or anything else there. After we had to leave the Hofbrauhaus, we tried to continue the evening, only to wind up in a strip club (as it was the only place we could find open). We didn't know it at the time, and after we had our mandatory two drinks, fled before we could get in any more trouble that night.**

So our second night in Munich, we decided to plan ahead and find a late-night destination--after all, this is Europe and they're supposed to party all night, right? So we took along our map and hoped to find out where the colleges in town were, supposing that was our most likely source of Fraulein scenery. We spent the day sampling as many bars and beer places as possible, and got dinner at the St. Augustiner Kellar, a real German biergarten as opposed to the tourist-central Hofbrauhaus. The language barrier was a difficulty, but we did manage to get a local lawyer to buy us lots of shots and give us a "get out of jail free" card. As the night before, they shut down around 11pm. Cab time!

And that's when it all went to hell.

Turns out, we get this chick cabbie. We've been drinking all day, and tell her that we want to go to a club near the college area that's open late.

"Where do you want to go?"
"A place that's open late with beer and women!"
"Ooh, you want me take you where there's girls, right?"
"Ja, ja! We like girls!"
"OK, I take you where there's lots of girls!"

It sounded good at the moment. It started seeming less good as we end up heading far away from downtown, and even further from our lodging at the base on the southern outskirts. We started having bad feelings after we passed numerous places that looked promising, and headed into the heavily residential areas. Then she drops us off in a little parking area in a house-sized building, points us to a red wooden door, and says "Just go in there, you'll love it!" Before we can even get a "But" out, she's gone. And there's nothing else for us to do but go inside.

We walk in, and we're in a's nicely wood paneled and looks like a fern-bar, but it's still a bar. So far so good. Except that it's empty. It's just us sitting at the bar going "where the fuck are we?" until a bartender comes out. We ask for beers, and he informs us there's a 50 DM cover charge, but we get four beers for it. Having neither clue nor plan, we decide to keep drinking until we figure out what we're going to do, and exactly where the fuck we are.

Halway into Beer 1, this gorgeous girl in a short black cocktail dress comes out and sits down right next to me. We have a nice little chat...and then she offers her services. "Um, give us a minute." Ratskellar and I turn to each other wide-eyed and say, "Oh SHIT! We're in a fucking brothel!" Well, that explains the strange cab ride and bar, at least. We start on Beer 2, as we give each other the look. Fortunately not the, "I will if you will" look, but the "Dude, I really don't know about this, but you're welcome to sample the wares if you want." Still freaked out, another few sips and we conclude that we both love our girlfriends too much to do anything here.***

Dangerous part past, and as Ratskellar's getting our 3rd round I get curious and go over to ask the girl what they've got to offer here, and how much. At this point there is all of one other person in the bar area. The price turns out to be 700DM for an hour, or about $450. Damn, now we really love our girlfriends! (To say nothing about our physical abilities at that point to truly enjoy such services.)

That was about the time things started picking up. This place was a complete sexual buffet, any fantasy you want, they had ready. There was a hot tub room, a shower room, an S&M dungeon, and who knows what else. There were girls walking around in cocktail dresses, formal gowns, just-out-of-the-shower towels, leather and chains, bikinis, you name it.

So near the end of Beer 4, Ratskellar realizes that we're completely trashed, in a foreign country, in a really bad place to be in our condition. At that point we fled out into the street. We have no idea where we are, and there is no traffic on the street, anywhere. We end up finding the North Star, and use that to start heading south. So we stumbled drunk for a good 2km until we finally found a road and got a cab back.

*Names changed to protect the guilty-as-me.
** Rev. Lick's "fondness", shall we say, for gentleman's establishments did not occur until near the end of the reign of Evel Bitch.

*** Not that either of us wanted to anyway. As stated before, Rev. Lick is somewhat OK with women of questionable morals, but prostitution is another thing entirely. For starters, I don't want to get anything that doesn't wash off.