Haiku: Ode to Bridget's Tits
She's pregnant, now they're bigger,
Show me more cleavage!
(Bridget is one of my favorite bartenders at the Irish pub downtown.)
Diary of a Drunk, Dedicated to Debauchery
Rev. Lick's Aliases
Your movie star name: Chips Albert
Your fashion designer name is Matt London
Your socialite name is Lick Austin
Your fly girl / guy name is M Gle
Your detective name is Shark Graham
Your barfly name is Pizza Glenlivet
Your soap opera name is Michael Hillcrest
Your rock star name is Hershey Jet
Your Star Wars name is Matmor Glecal
Your punk rock band name is The Horny Hookah
You know, that punk rock name is pretty cool...would also be a great name for a bar.
The Lotus & the Mishpokkeh: The Principles of Jewish BuddhismI could replace "Jewish" here with "Catholic" and it's still so true.
1. Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And
sit up straight. You’ll never meet the Buddha with such round shoulders.
2. There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
3. Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
4. To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?
5. Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
6. If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
7. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this, and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
8. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish.*
9. Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish.
10. The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?
11. Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster.
12. To find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each
flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has tenthousand petals. You
might want to see a specialist.
13. Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
14. Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes!