Friday, April 22, 2005

Haiku: Ode to Bridget's Tits

Naturally "D"
She's pregnant, now they're bigger,
Show me more cleavage!

(Bridget is one of my favorite bartenders at the Irish pub downtown.)

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Still Homeless in 5 Days, No Furniture Now In 2

When you can't see how things could possibly get worse, that just means that things are about to go wrong beyond your wildest imagination.

UPDATE: So I thought things would be looking up when I got my laptop back today. Of course not. Turns out, Best Buy just looked at it for over a month and didn't do a damn thing, aside from attempting to charge me $108 for the privilege of giving me false hope.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Rev. Lick Homeless in 8 Days

So, everything has gone to hell (AGAIN!) with my condo-buy.

Naturally, I text messaged Naked Boy in New Orleans just as it happened, and before I started drinking ;) (in earnest). :

Me: "It's all going to hell again! Um, how long can I stay at your place?"
Naked Boy: "Until our livers fail."
Me: "So...about a week then."

How NOT to be a Drink/Meal ticket

So, I was invited out tonight to meet up with my Class-5 hook-up from last week...with the implied mention that I was buying her drinks. Naturally, I had no intention of doing any such thing, nor should I.

First of all, we should re-class her as a Class 5-M. The M class is reserved for a lady who meets the appropriate Lick class standads, but is a MILF. Hence, we shall now have 5-M, 4-M, and 3-M standards.

So here's how it went down...she was to get to the bar at 5:15pm. I was to buy her drinks. NOT COOL. I was "on the phone with my agent" for the next hour, and showed up at the bar at 6:45pm. Most of her drinks were already paid for, and the rest went on this other guy's tab that thought he was hitting on her. I got her a drink, me three, and an appetizer. My Final bill:$17, with tip. And I ate most of that appetizer.

Final result: She ends up feeling guilty, and is taking ME out to dinner next time. To a REALLY nice place.

And I didn't ask, she herself is insisting upon taking me out.

Now if only I can get a house....

Word of the Day: Bravery

True bravery is arriving home, stinking drunk after a very late night out with the boys, being met at the door and assaulted with a broom by your wife . . and still having the guts to ask:

"Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?"

Saturday, April 16, 2005

The Ultimate Name Generator

Rev. Lick's Aliases

Your movie star name: Chips Albert

Your fashion designer name is Matt London

Your socialite name is Lick Austin

Your fly girl / guy name is M Gle

Your detective name is Shark Graham

Your barfly name is Pizza Glenlivet

Your soap opera name is Michael Hillcrest

Your rock star name is Hershey Jet

Your Star Wars name is Matmor Glecal

Your punk rock band name is The Horny Hookah

The Amazing Meganame Generator

You know, that punk rock name is pretty cool...would also be a great name for a bar.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Zen and the Art of Final Dayz Rules

So, I was at home packing up stuff for my move to Austin, starting, today. And I got a call from my "Social Director", saying "come have a drink with us, NOW!". So I went. Long story short, I end up spending the night entertaining, and hooking up with, a SOLID Class 5. Yeah, she's apparently got some emotional/family issues, but seriously...I spent tonight hooking up with the hottest girl in Corpus who's trying to convince me to love her.

THIS, my friends, is what Final Dayz Rules is all about!!!!!!!

Dude, Where's Your Fucked-Up Life?

For those who are wondering wherefore the relative paucity of recent original drinking material-being the overall inspiration for this site-has gone by the wayside, the answer is simply: Life. To expound a bit, I'm in the very middle of some serious Life Transitions here. We're talking a relocation, imminent unemployment, and complete career change. In the last couple of months I've been supremely occupied with selling my house, attempting to buy a new condo, packing shit up, moving shit, putting shit on eBay, and all the tons of paperwork and phone conversations that are needed to do all those things. It's also all gone to hell, or is going to hell, or had gone to hell and came back, on a pretty much daily basis. This hasn't left much time for posting. Besides, aside from the drinking adventures that I have posted recently, there hasn't been much that is truly blog-worthy.

Dude, you're not actually sober now, are you?

Of course not! Fear not, I'm still drinking and causing some amounts of trouble, but the volume has been turned down from '11' to about a 6 or 7. For reference, a 2= a few beers on the weekends, a 5=at least heavily buzzed on the weekends plus a minimum of one mid-week happy hour, and a 10=Navy P-3 deployment where you're smashed every chance you get.

What happened to Final Dayz Rules?

They're still in effect, although it's more of a technicality than a serious effort at implementation right now. For one, I accomplished most of my objectives--by that I don't necessarily mean I got what I wanted, but I took the chances and resolved my curiosities--there are no loose threads left.

What about the women of Final Dayz?

Expect a "recap" post here in the next three weeks, sometime after my move is complete. The window on possibilities is definitely closing, but I am still mildly engaged in exploring a final few potentials.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

The Looked-for Booty Call...which never came

So, it's my last "real" weekend in Corpus as I figure, and I was hoping to NOT be sleeping alone tonight. Or last night. Naturally, things haven't worked out the way I was hoping they would because 1) G-d hates me. [Ok, ok, so yeah, I got Jesus fucked up on mezcal and took Him to a strip club, but geez, that was centuries ago!] , and 2) This is Corpus.

Anyway, last weekend I got a booty call from Crystal, Ms. Phase-5, at around 1:40am Saturday night, and the messages I got were very nicely in vino veritas. I thought she was going to be out of town, but apparently that didn't happen and she was out drinking heavily with her niece. I'd just barely overlapped her in a few choice locations. So why didn't I go? Well, there was still 20 minutes of drinking time left, and the fact that she'd started on "the green pills" a couple days prior. That, and she probably would have been unconscious by the time I would have made it to her place.

So, seeing as there wasn't much potential for anything "interesting" happening, even the morning after if I did go over, I didn't. The weekend before, I'd gotten another drunken booty call from her, but she didn't start calling until well past 4am when even I've given up and gone to bed.

So why not this weekend? Why do you never get the booty call when you're ready and really in the mood for it? It's Saturday night, I've been drinking downtown, and yeah, I left with a couple of new contacts, but where's Crystal? Supposedly she had a BBQ to go to earlier, and was doing schoolwork all weekend, but that's never stopped her. Ordinarily, I'd be happy with the contact info I'd gotten as a "successful evening", but just now, it doesn't seem to matter all that much. I'd really rather NOT be sleeping alone tonight.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

The Naked Boy Sobriety Level Scale

Contributed by Naked Boy (I hit 42 last night):

Level 100: feeling no effect from alchohol

Level 90: slight buzz. Feeling good but decision making abilities are not effected. Full motor skill control

Level 80: moderate buzz. Decision making slightly impaired. Beer goggle effect begins. Motor skill control still intact.

Level 70: Heavy buzz. Starting to get drunk. Ability to drink more faster. You feel more social but not quite obnxious. You start doing and saying things you might not do otherwise. Beer goggle effect increases. All women go up by 0.5 on the Lick Scale. Motor skills begin to deteriorate. Most people would be able to tell you have been drinking even if trying to hide it.

Level 60: Now you are drunk. Slurring of speech may occurr. Drunken gait possible if not trying to avoid it. You feel more social but may be getting obnoxious. Caring about what happens the next day pretty much ceases. You now try to convince others to go out more or stay out later.

Level 50: Judgement impaired. Beer goggle penalty of 1.0 or more on the Lick scale. People will talk about "how drunk you were last night". Strip clubs are looking pretty damn good now if you haven't picked up on somebody yet. Women at this point either want to go home or start lowering their standards ( This started happening to men at level 80 ) You should really not be behind the wheel.

Level 40: You're drunk. Really drunk. Things start spinning when you move. Beer goggles are maxed out. Penalty of 2.0 on the Lick Scale. This can get dangerous if looking to hook up. Motor skills decrease markedly. Anyone can tell by just looking at you that you are drunk. Whatever you have to do the next morning is not going to happen.

Level 30: The good thing about this level is that even if you pick up somebody nasty of the opposite sex, chances are you will pass out before anything happens. Your friends will still make fun of you, though. You will be hungover and pretty much useless the whole next day.

Level 20: You should have gone home long before now. Nothing good can happen at this point. You will likely not remember some or all of the events that transpire. You will also likely find yourself in a bathroom puking.

Level 10: You will wind up in one of two places: Either the hospital or in jail.

Level Zero: You have no fucking clue what you are doing and will not remember it anyway. You will wind up in one of two places: Either the hospital or the Morgue. Good Luck!

Monday, April 04, 2005

Teaching Retarded Girls About Periods

Thank/Blame "JJH" for this video. Looks like it came from the '50s or early '60s. Probably not safe for work due to sheer tastelessness.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Jewish Buddhism

Just saw this on Air Force Family:

The Lotus & the Mishpokkeh: The Principles of Jewish Buddhism

1. Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And
sit up straight. You’ll never meet the Buddha with such round shoulders.

2. There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

3. Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

4. To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?

5. Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

6. If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

7. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this, and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

8. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish.*

9. Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish.

10. The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?

11. Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

12. To find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each
flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has tenthousand petals. You
might want to see a specialist.

13. Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

14. Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes!
I could replace "Jewish" here with "Catholic" and it's still so true.